Blowhan just can't stop blowing it...

Sorry if this is old news, but I just heard about it... So it seems Blowhan was having breakfast (post coitus?) at the home of Bryan Adams (wtf?), and after stepping out of the shower dropped her teacup (?) and gashed open her leg, requiring stitches. Ok, I don't know where to begin. As usual, the whole incident sounds ridiculously shady. Who is this accident prone? All I can say is I hope she's purchased herself a nice PPO Plan, what with her bi-weekly visits to hospital for "dehydration and exhaustion" and various other mysterious ailments. Gurl, you need to slow down this runaway train to Spearsville before it's too late! Maybe the cabinet should write a concerned letter?

"Did IIIII do thaaaaat??"

I can't help but giggle a little bit when I picture this poor anus trying--eeeever-so-awkwardly--NOT to blow out the museum artifacts...and just failing, failing, FAILING:

CAMBRIDGE, England (AP) -- A museum visitor shattered three Qing dynasty Chinese vases when he tripped on his shoelace, stumbled down a stairway and brought the vases crashing to the floor, officials said Monday.

"It's Abkani."

What would award season be without the Razzies? I am so proud to see our favorite BLOW! Tara Reid on the ballot this year. She delivers e'ery time. She is nominated for "Alone in the Dark," a gem of a film starring fellow BLOW! Christian Slater. I am proud to say the Cabinet saw this train wreck on opening night (just as we did with "Gigli," "Swept Away" and "Catwoman"). It really did deliver in every way. Tarablow thought she was "acting" because she put dark rimmed glasses and a lab coat on. However, all of her lines were delivered with that same goober blank "whaaa?" look on her mug. Awesome. I make a public plea to all those Razzie voters out there: Pleeease vote for Tarablow. You won't be sorry.

Girl in the yellow...don't dance... I SAID DON'T DANCE!

Apparently, Broadway vet Charlotte d'Amboise has just joined the cast of next year's revival of A Chorus Line as Cassie (incidentally... we ARE going to go see this, yes?). Personally, I would have rather seen Marissa Jaret Winokur cast in the role (kidding!), but hey - at least it's not chicklet-teethed Sutton Foster, right? I don't know if they've completed casting yet, but I think they should bring in Britty Pears' to sing some "Tits and Ass". Which means Federline could also be cast to sing the Gonorrhea song! I swear, I don't know why they don't ask me before they cast these shows...

Hasselhoff jumps it off...

Check out this David Hasselhoff video, if you dare...

CAUTION: You Must Have A High Nausea Threshold To Proceed

Um, what the FUG is this??? David Gest (aka Mean to Liza) and Da Brat (aka Mean to Jane Wiedlin aka Mariah Please Wear Your Minidress So I Can Catch A Snatch At Your Cooch) making out??? I think the earth has finally veered off it's orbit and the apocalypse is causing everyone to run amok. BLOWN.

An Open Letter To Beyonce

Dear B,

The miracle of modern technology has given the world a glimpse into the face of your future offspring, and girl, it ain't pretty. I URGE you to practice safe sex with Jigga, because not even Mama Knowles could whip up a creation from The House of Dereon clever enough to cover the hideousness of this child...please leave all the ugly babies to Solange and keep working hard at being the fiercest diva ever.

Love,

Ouizer

P.S. Congratulations on your NEW #1 SINGLE, "Check On It"!!!

Someone Has Been Watching Too Much MY SUPER SWEET 16...

I don't know about you guys, but I grew up in an area where your popularity was determined by the size of your Bar/Bat Mitzvah and the number of Bar/Bat Mitzvah's you were invited to. That being said, nothing I attended came close to the level of HEINOUSNESS that this little Jewess came up with! She really takes the challah for this one, and I applaud her whole-heartedly for her beastly antics. Having a camera crew follow you around the mall to make a VIDEO OF GWEN STEFANI'S "RICH GIRL" with your zitty brother rapping the Eve part...damn, that takes chutzpah!!! Happy Bat Mitvah, Jessie. I can't wait until your Super Sweet 16...

Oh, was I supposed to be paying attention to this news?

Because I'm so not caring about the fact that Meg Ryan adopted a brat from China.

Me? Drugs? How ruuude!

OMG. Click on the title of this entry. There's a tidbit on John Stamos in Page Six today... something about Jake In Progress getting a second chance, yadda,yadda, whatever... that's not the point.
The point is:
Look at the last line! Is Stephanie Tanner really blowing it out? I'd give anything to see her all cracked out on the back couches of the Roxy. Well, it's a rumor and that's good enough for The Cabinet.

no more drama

This bizz is outrageous.
Check out this little white girl cursing out MJB.
You know if it had been 1995, Mary would have cut her.

BLOW! Award Nominee: Anna Ayala

Remember that blowout who tried to scam Wendy's by placing a severed finger in a bowl of chili? Well...I've been meaning to update y'all that last week the judge threw the book at Anna Ayala and her husband Jaime Plascencia, giving them 9 years and 12 years in jail, respectfully. And I say, ABSOLUTELY. Now, if it were McDonald's, I'd say give 'em a slap on the wrist. But as much as I despise fast food and blab about how awful the corporations are, damn if I can't throw back a Spicy Chicken Combo! And bitch, you will NOT get in the way of me and my Frosty. No, no, that's all I have to say...

Apparently, if you're fat, you're also lonely

Who has seen that new Weight Watchers commercial? If you haven't, you can see it and even download it to your ipod here. I mean, I understand what they were going for, but I had to laugh the first time I saw it (and yes, every subsequent time since then). Does anyone else think it is kind of rude that they used Cher's "Song for the Lonely" to advertise a way for full figured women to lose weight? I mean, rude! The message I take away is, "If you're fat, that means you're also miserable. Give us money so we can help you lose weight so you can actually get a boyfriend and someone to talk to you, you effing loser." I really think they missed the mark here.

The Assholes Are Crying! The Assholes Are Crying!

The father of disgraced lobbyist/GOP-helping heathen Jack Abramoff is tattling to news reporters that George Clooney's remarks about Abramoff's last name at last week's Golden Globes ceremony--Clooney lewdly compared it to the term "jackoff"--made Jack's itty-bitty baby-waby 12 year-old daughter cry. CRY!! OBviously she was watching the show with the wrong crowd--she coulda come to the Cabinet's GG gathering for chili dogs and cheeba, and she would have had a lot more fun.

This comes on the heels of prospective Supreme Court judge Samuel Alito, Jr.'s wife, Martha-Ann, "breaking down" and blubbering, her little lip aquiver, because the committee members' questions were apparently hurting her sensitive feelings. If you ask me, the only thing hurting was my sweet tooth, which apparently isn't as easily manipulated as most folks' when somebody else so obviously cries a big load of crocodile tears. She's the wife of a judge and she freaking cries when he's under pressure? Has this woman not left her house in the past few decades?! (Okay, maybe we shouldn't pursue an answer to that question.)

Does anybody else feel sick when they realize that the GOP so successfully uses the bully pulpit while it's also playing the emotional card?

Smoke Ceeeg-arettes and Loook Gooooood

I realize that it's always going to be cool to rip on Saturday Night Live, and lots of folks have done exactly that for this very uneven season. (As funny as some of those skits were last night, did anybody notice how many production flubs they had? And how distracted everybody seemed to be?) One reason for the current dip in quality, in my opinion, is the sorely obvious absence of my favorite cast member, Maya Rudolph. Whether playing a drunken Donatella Versace, living it up as one of the members of the (sorely missed and sadly defunct) Destiny's Child knockoff Gemini's Twin, co-hosting the deliciously geeky in-school A/V production "Wake Up Wakefield," or singing the intro theme song to "Gays In Space," Maya never fails to make me crack my shit up. And girlfriend has been on maternity leave for what seems like FOREVER!

Incidentally, in researching this post, I found out two very interesting factoids: Maya was a keyboardist for the indie-rock group The Rentals back in the day. (I lived for their song "Friends of P" during my freshman year of college.) And...AND!!! The father of her baby is none other than Fiona Apple's one-time boyfriend (and Boogie Nights visionary) Paul Thomas Anderson!! How come I didn't know this?!

10 Things I Hate About You, Julia Stiles...

"I don't approve of anything"

"I told you...I am classy. I do SHAKESPEARE"

1). You look like a plain jane ordinary girl, thus giving you the nickname "somebitchoffthestreet", or SBOTS.

2). You have a Gwynnie aura or superiority, for absolutely no reason. Hello, you make crap movies.

3). You speak in some weird kind of fake-british actory dialect.

4). Somehow you have fooled people into thinking you are a talented actress and as a result they keep hiring you to do Shakespeare.

5). You look like Joss Stone's busted sister. I like Joss Stone, but now that my mind has associated the two of you, I constantly have to remind myself of that fact.

6). "Mona Lisa Frown" (oops - I mean Smile)

7). "Save The Last Dance"

8). "The Prince & Me"

9). "A Guy Thing"

10). "Down to You" (just HOW many shitty Rom Coms did you make???)

and you! and you! and you!

Alright, don't kill me for posting yet again about Dreamgirls,

but I couldn't resist sharing this publicity shot I found.

I am seriously dying to see this movie, and it's still a whole year away!

BOOOOOO!

See more pics at my new favorite blog du jour, Judge Jru.

OOH! Also, I found JHud's official website. It's totes Ghetto Fab.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Did you guys know that Wendy Pepper got divorced soon after last season's Project Runway?

She says she changed profoundly after the show, and her husband couldn't keep up. Hence, splitsville.

I guess Wendy sorta announces this when she makes a cameo on Jay McCarroll's new special "Project Jay", scheduled to air Feb. 22nd.

contents of my head

Check out this video of Kelly singing Annie Lennox's "Why".

She really blows it out at the end. I luvit.

DeGarmo Report: Spitfire Storms Broadway

Ok, please don't kill me. I realize this is my third post in just two months on Diana DeGarmo and none of you care, but damn...she just keeps popping up and I feel obligated to report the news to you. It seems that lil' spitfire has landed two upcoming Broadway gigs: Come February, she will be taking over the role of Penny Pingleton in "Hairspray" on Broadway. And this summer, she is apparently going to star in the upcoming national tour of the craptastic screamfest of a show "Brooklyn" that was briefly on the boards last year. Alright, hopefully that's the last DeGarmo Report for awhile, but I can't make any promises...

Politico Jumpoff

I watch Larry King Live every night. You can imagine my surprise to see my favorite gay former child actor Chad Allen (sorry Dan(ny) Pintauro) on last night. Chad was totes representing for the rainbow flag wavers and defending the right to gay marriage. He was wonderful and really sticking it to the 700 Club nimrods that were debating him. It made me so proud to have written all those fan letters to him when he was just a wee tot on "Our House" and "My Two Dads." As Maggie Cho says, it is a mean, fascist country that would deny gays wedding registry.
Check out Chad's website www.chadallenonline.com
He has a foundation for gay youth and everything. A contender for The Cabinet's humanitarian award...

ooh-whoa-o-whoa-ooooo

oh thank goodness American Idol is back on.
I need me some more Paula-tics. Yeeeaaahhh!
Here's to hopin' it's a diva filled season.

I love you, Fish Face!

I admit it: I am a full-blown Lisa Rinna lover. She may keep plucking and pulling and injecting that disgustingly overdone face of hers, and she may keep declining in weight until she is 7 pounds, and she may always have that grizzled '80s bohunk on her arm, but dammit, I'll keep wishing her the best. Keep BLOW!in', baby!

Will you people PLEASE start watching this show for me??

Folks, it doesn't get much funnier than The Office. I just needed you to know.

Jake, in all his glory...

*sigh*

Dumbfuck Mountain

Got a good chuckle out of this one...

My Top 10 Surreal New York City Moments (in no particular order)

Just another fun list I decided to put together. And I KNOW you all have yours to add...

1). Seeing Madonna and Beyonce at the Roxy (tie)

2). Sitting on the roof of my building with Truvy and my boyfriend during the sweaty night of the blackout and being able to see the stars from the upper east side of Manhattan.

3). Peeing in a plastic trough behind a row of port-o-lets high on designer drugs on Gay Pride 2005 Dance on the Pier while New York City is to my left and thousands of sweaty men on a pier and a massive fireworks display is happening to my right.

4). Seeing a family swimming in the East River out on Randalls Island (I still have nightmares).

5). Everything I saw during the amateur “Foxy” show at The Cock in Spring 2000 (this included seeing a man drink his own urine and a completely naked, slightly overweight, grinding Asian woman who won the cash prize every week).

6). Standing directly next to Stephen Sondheim at a theatre benefit.

7). Seeing a crack addict singing while sitting in a pile of snow outside “The Phantom of the Opera”, surrounded by three police officers who looked bored.

8). Coming out to do a show of the horribly profane musical with nudity that I co-wrote and seeing a row full of blue-haired elderly women (who didn’t walk out – that was the surreal part).

9). Hearing the rats running through the walls for the first time in my building when I lived in Spanish Harlem.

10). Walking home from work on 9/11.

Dreamgirls Update

word...
photos of Beyonce and Jamie Foxx on the set of Dreamgirls.

click here to see a pic of B and J.Hud in the studio

annnnd... here's the official Dreamgirls website.

goodtimes.

Last Holiday (hopefully...)

Um, Queen Latifah...I beg of you...PLEASE stop making these shitty movies. Just because a script passes your desk doesn't mean you have to take it. Do NOT become the new Whoopi Goldberg and grab at any gig that comes your way (see Whoopi's "I'm a big LOSER!" ad campaign...) Seriously, gurl...you've had enough freebies. Either make a decent movie or get out of my face.

R.I.P. Marla, from Project Runway

We loved you, you blow!

just like honey

to shake off those 'she's getting fat' remarks, Mariah's publicist quickly orders a bikini jumpoff to accidentally happen in St. Bart's.


more pics at mariahdaily.com

Hair stylist vs. Balenciaga bag

I have no business posting because I'm under 25 deadlines at work right now, however...
What's up with everybody using their gay male hair stylist as their new BFF/favorite accessory/therapist? Jennifer Aniston was the first with Chris McMillan. Jessica has been everywhere with Ken Paves post divorce. And I just saw a picture of my girl Denise Richards (i luv'er) with her hair stylist. Don't know his name yet but I'm sure I will soon. My sylist is a woman and I think I need to change that. I need to get a man and start hanging out with him stat. This trend might be over soon! I could totally take him to the Roxy and then coat check him when I get bored.

Trash! Homewrecker! Not a Christiiiiaaaaaaan!

I've never liked Angelina Jolie, and this morning's news that she's
going to deliver the devil's spawn this summer just sends me straight to the floor into a total tantrum. We just got through the never-ending Bennifer Version 2.0 baby saga, and now this?!?!

Am I the only person who just does NOT get the obsession with this woman? I thought she overacted her way through Girl, Interrupted ("Take one more step and I'll JAAAAAAM this into my aorta!"), and she hasn't really ever made a good movie (well, Gia, if you're hard up). She's also creepy-looking. She's still giving poor Maddox that fauxhawk haircut, which is sooo 2003. AND SHE IS A HOMEWRECKER. Normally, I don't side with the prom queens, but I've been behind poor ol' JenAn during this entire stupid saga.

Ugh, I've already devoted too much brain space to this news. Call me when she pops it out, but 'til then, I don't need to know anything else about it.

What a fuckin' BLOW!

Hey gang! Jesus H., it's been 196 years since I posted on here! Hopefully with this post, you'll be happy to have me back in Shelbyville again, so let's get going with my first post of the new year. It's never too early to start nominating the BLOW!s.

Lindsay Lohan is a real piece of work. Just this morning, I received my new copy of Vanity Fair at work and promptly tore into the plastic wrapping to read the article on Blowhan, propelled by that heintastic photo cover and the great pullquote that reads, "I knew I had a problem and I couldn't admit it." I furiously read the (quite long) article by one of my favorite VF writers, Evgenia Peretz (does anybody out there know how to pronounce this name? linguistics experts, do you read us?), in which Lindsay says a lot of bad words like 'fuck' and 'shit,' smokes a cigarette, talks about her near-death filming Herbie: Fully Loaded (um, honey, you were filming a NASCAR movie with Michael Keaton and Matt Dillon--I'd kill myself, too), bags on her dad, talks about Wilmer, admits to drug use, and apparently admits that she was bulimic. That blowbag of a mother and her publicist are both portrayed as overzealous, exasperated women who try to convince Evgenia that she shouldn't be printing these things.

Now Lindsay has released a statement to Teen People claiming that she is "appalled" by the article, that Evgenia twisted and misconstrued her words, and that she never said she was bulimic. Bitch, please. Do you think we were born yesterday? I read the article this morning really refreshed by how candid her quotes were, and within the span of a half-day, I'm treated to this half-baked, well-timed denial that half of what she said even came out of her mouth. Why would VF knowingly print things that she didn't say? Why would I choose to believe a publicity-originated statement sent to the website of a magazine oriented for teenagers (her prime audience) over one of the more respected general interest magazines in this country, which is known for its probing and often very revealing profile stories? Seriously, Linds, if you can't stand the heat, then don't even bother entering the kitchen. Oh wait, you never go in there, anyway! (Well, maybe. Don't sue me over this. I'm just re-reporting what Evgenia said. Yeeeeaaahhhhhh...)

Vexing, I tell you, vexing. And further proof that Lindsay Lohan is a prime early candidate for a 2006 BLOW! Award.

Satan Lives! (pt. 2)

Does Frankie Muniz creep anyone else out? I don't know - something about him is a bit off. I feel like once he's grown up completely he's going to have a woman in a pit or something. That's just my gut reaction...but we'll play it out and see what happens...

"EVERYBODY GETS A LIE!!!!"

I read James Frey's harrowing addiction memoir "A Million Little Pieces" last year after reading some positive reviews and thought it sucked ass. Then Oprah decided it was the best book since sliced bread, bust a nut all over it on her show, and it then proceeded to sell a gazillion copies to blown-out housewives who had no idea what to make of it (incidentally, over winter break I was with my mother in a book store and she pointed to the book, saying "Do NOT read that book." I replied, "Too late"). Now, I am loving this whole scandal. Allegedly (my lawyers make me say that), large portions of the book were fabricated, as reported by our favorite source of blown James Brown and Nick Nolte mugshots - The Smoking Gun. I mean, the fact that this poseur could go down and Oprah could be slightly discredited in one fell swoop is just too good to be stinkin' true. Incidentally, if anyone wants to read a good non-fiction book, I just finished Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking" and it was brilliant. It's a bit slit-your-wrists-with-a-dirty-razorblade, but excellent nonetheless.

Gastineau Gays

Is this really true? (Do I really care?)
I just read on Gawker that the mama Gastineau may be a lezbot. Yeeeaaahhh!

Unfortunately, it's still not enough to make her interesting, OR to make me wanna watch her show, but I can never resist a good public outing.

Like Kathy says, "if it's a rumor, then it's good enough for me."

yo, dem is jokes.

Incidentally, speaking of KG, did you guys here that Steven Spielberg demanded an apology from Kathy Griffin over a joke she made about Dakota Fanning being in rehab?

The nerve!

Don't let 'em get you down Kath! The cabinet fully supports you. You deserve that red carpet!

Besides, everyone knows Dakota is years away from rehab. She hasn't even gone through phase one yet, "hospitalization for dehydration and exhaustion".

that's not a star, that's a planet

This one's for you, Ouizer.
"Shine: The Blog"