Thursday, September 28, 2006

Blew it out!

for openly discussing gay marriage, and it's all caught on tape!

The nerve of them there gals, exercising their
right to free speech and all. How dare they.

Seriously though, the throwing of the ketchup bottles is my favorite part.
Ignorance in action! Hot.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Wino Forever


YES! You know it's going to be a good day when you open up the gossips and see a story about Winona "Re-Re" Ryder blowing it out like only she could. Click on the title of this post for an awesome story. I love that her blowouts always consist of her acting like a "touched" person. They should have had her do public service announcements for the special olympics or something after her shoplifting debacle. That would have been fitting.
AND, I love this picture of her acting shocked that the judge found something wrong with shoplifting. The best part of it is the shot of Mark Geragos (aka the lawyer with no conscience who will do anything for money)! Yeeeeeeeeah.

This makes it official


Um, have none of us yet realized that Kevin Federline's mother's name is Julie Bleak?! I just read that in the new Us Weekly and nearly spit out my bagel. I guess this means that bleak really is the new anus! Well played, peeps, well played.

(PS: I would give anything to be hanging out in Fresno and tell someone, "Hey, I have to bounce. I'm headed over to the Bleak house for dinner.")

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

the girl can't help it, the girl can't help it


Um... can I just tell you how much I'm loving The Dutchess. BFF (Busted Face Fergie) has made me very proud. I expected a decent album, but Fergie does the damn thing.

"Clumsy's" sample of Little Richard's "The Girl Can't Help It" is pure genius. That song reminds me of "Pink Flamingos", and thinking about Divine always makes me smile.

I hear "Fergalicious" will be the next single, and that's okay (I love the "def def def def def... Fergalicious definition...), but if I could suggest a third, it'd have to be "All That I Got (The Make up Song)". That track is radio ready AND she gets to blow her tits off. It'll be a nice wintertime slow jam.

Some tracks are stronger than others, but all in all I like most of the songs. Good job, BFF!

Monday, September 25, 2006

RR needs some R and R


I have been a super fan of Rachael Ray's ever since she debuted on the Food Network. I loved feeling like I was one of the first people to discover this Blow. Rachael, I still love you but Gurl, you HAVE to tone it down. I don't know how she hides her line snorting from her staff but she's got to be doing something to achieve that level of blow-dom.

Have you all seen the train wreck that is her new talk show? Sweet Jesus. It's really hard to watch for more than 30 seconds at a time. She's so high strung I felt like I was going to have a panic attack watching her. Of course, that doesn't mean that I will stop trying to get tickets to see this mess!

I was so upset when I heard she was going to have her own talk show because she was already on the verge of extreme overexposure. I mean, the bitch had like 10 Food Network shows, 5 magazines, 50 cookbooks, etc. I hope this show doesn't send her totally over the edge. We love you Rachael, we want you to LIVE! *

P.S. If any bitch is going to go over the edge, let it be Kelly Ripa! I've been waiting for her to go "crazy with a z" for some time now. You'd think having 20 kids, 10 TV. shows and anorexia would bring her down but she keeps on going... amazing.
P.P.S. Click on the link to this post to see a hilariously scary video of Rachael Ray doing promos for her show.

* A line from Waiting for Guffman, the best movie of all time

Saturday, September 23, 2006

All the King's Men...

...still could not drag me to see All the King's Men with Sean Penn. Seriously, every time this preview comes on my television I get a knot in my stomach.

"AND AAAAAAAAAAAAH WOOOOOOOOOOON'T LEEEET THEEEEEEEEEEEEM!"

Here's the thing, Sean...stop screaming. We get it, you're "acting". Now shut the f*ck up, please.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Wet Seal




Justin Timberlake's new album FutureSex/LoveSounds (which is quickly growing on me) debuts at No. 1 this week with more than 600,000 copies sold in its first week. Congrats, hottie! But I'm here for a better reason: I was flipping through pics from the album release party that took place yesterday, and I came across this one of Cammy Diaz. Which is leading me to ask: What the FUCK happened to Cammy Diaz???!

Monday, September 18, 2006

flowy beachy stuff


Project Runway Spoiler!

If your want to see the four remaining designers' collections from this past Fashion Week, click here.

I gotta go with Uli as my favorite. Her collection looks like a real designer's collection to me, and I think most of it's beautiful.

I was a little disappointed in Michael, but there were a few pieces that I can actually see Kelis or or some R&B tartlet wearing. The other two were also very hit or miss for me.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Not Afraid To Try It On My Own

Hallelujah! Now, the Cabinet is fully aware of my longtime obsession with Mrs. Nippy Brown (nee Whitney Elizabeth Houston). Ever since I went to Amsterdam with my friend Poo Boddum and...er...turned into her for a few hours, my fondness has grown into a full-blown infatuation.

The past years have been, needless to say, a trying time to defend La Whitney. Which makes the news that she is divorcing longtime partner-in-crime Bobby Brown a more-than-welcome surprise. Not that I didn't enjoy the stories about Bobby digging poop out of Whitney's bum when she was constipated. Not that I didn't relish in the beauty of duets like "Something In Common" and "My Love". Not that I don't beam with pride when I look at $eXXXyKri$$y's MySpace page. But DAMN GURL, it's about TIME! Now, like Britney, get yourself together and get back into the studio, PRONTO! I am heartened by the pics of you with Clive and Auntie Dionne at the Johnny Mathis Tribute in Beverly Hills earlier this week.

Much Love from your #1 Fan,

Ouizer

P.S. However, maybe you should get in touch with Piggy Jones Reynolds and get some advice about how to maintain your wigs, dear!


Wednesday, September 13, 2006

baby love

Congrats to Britty Peers!
She had a bouncing baby boy late Monday night.

Hey Britney, while you're in the hospital, you might wanna think about getting those tubes tied. Now hurry up and get back in da studio. I want a new album/video by Summer '07!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

moment of silence


This is some sad news, kids.

Anna Nicole's son, Daniel, died suddenly of a massive heart attack while visiting her at the hospital, just 3 days after she gave birth to a new baby girl.

Freaky.

more details here and here.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Missed All Y'All!


Oh my goodness, Queen Bee Lil' Kim is certainly wasting no time ever since her house arrest ended. Here she is with Kimora Lee Heinous doing...um, I'm not sure what...at the Baby Phat Show for Fashion Week. And below here she is wilding out at the Black Style Now After Party. Like she said at the VMA's, she's bringin' sexybaaaaaaaaaaaack! Way to go, Queen Bee. Looking much better than that pig Foxy!

Friday, September 08, 2006

Happy Birthday Clairee!


RYBS sends out much birthday love to our very own Blowout, Clairee. She's a bitchy, sarcastic Virgo and we wouldn't want her any other way. In the words of Clairee herself, we raise our glasses to you on this day that you "celebrate another year of not being dead."

Cabinet Family Photo?


This picture of Eve, Xtina, Dita Von Teese, Lisa Marie Heinous, and Queen Bee Lil' Kim (taken at the recent MAC Viva Glam VI Benefit Dinner) reminds me of our Cabinet Family Photos. I'm trying to figure out who is who, though! I am, of course, Queen Bee on the right...and why does Lisa Marie Heinous have that constipated look on her face!

Fergalicious




You guys, I need to make a major confession. See, I haven't really said anything about this for fear of being teased—and because Shelby really patented this rallying cry—but I think I might be secretly in love with Fergie. Yes, it's true. I haven't said much about this because, well, it's kind of embarrassing...but this adoration goes back a long, long time. When I was a little woodpeckah, I parked my fanny in front of the television every single afternoon to watch Kids Incorporated on channel 26, and I had THE hugest crush on the cute blonde in the group, one Miss Stacy Ferguson.

Now, clearly, this "crush" was really just one more in a long line of hints that I was going to grow up to be a big ol' flaming homosexual, but I didn't know this at the time, and I used to fantasize about marrying Stacy when I grew up. When Stacy reemerged a few years ago as the busted-ass, totally ho-ey female singer who joined the Bleak Eyed Peas onstage for their idiot rampages, I was simultaneously thrilled and appalled. (Thrilled because, hi, Stacy had a new life and a new career AND a crystal meth addiction in her past...appalled because, let's get real, she always looks like a hot mess of epic proportions).

I've tried to move past my crush and dismiss Fergie as a one-off who'll lapse back into obscurity someday, but...I dunno. I listen to "London Bridge" nearly every day on my way to work, I'm salivating over the upcoming release of her first solo album, The Dutchess (LOVE that title), and I'm insanely jealous of the fact that she gets to play with the weewee of the most beautiful man on the face of the planet whenever she wants. Seriously, Josh Duhamel? Mmmm...break me off a piece of that!

So I raise my Grey Goose to you, Fergie Ferg. Keep giving us Jagger, keep giving us swagger, keep giving us the goods, bitch! I love you!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

It was laborious, indeed!




Today took a lot out of dear M'Lynn, and not just because the weather outside was BLEAK and led her to eat two lunches. Summer weather seems to have just disappeared in a flash, and now that Labor Day has passed, the pop-culture forces have come out SWINGING! M'Lynn is tired tonight, and here's why:

** No sooner had I parked my fanny into my chair at work this morning then I realized that my normal routine was interrupted. NBC is now playing 'Martha' at 10a and shuffled poor 'Ellen' to 4p. This would be fine with M'Lynn--who can now TiVo an entire hour of 'Martha' without sacrificing 'The View,' but now how am I supposed to watch 'Ellen' AND 'Orpah' if they're on in competing time slots?! Dear readers, this may just call for M'Lynn to have to start checking the guest lists and recording accordingly every day; I'm just not sure I have the mental wherewithal to cope with watching Orpah's daily lovefest a day later if I have to record the rerun at 1:30a.

** I barely had time to absorb this crisis before I realized that, ohshit, ROSIE WAS MAKING HER GRAND DEBUT ON 'THE VIEW' AT THAT VERY SECOND! I grabbed furiously for the TiVo remote, nearly knocking over my pile of remotes in the process, as I made sure the TV could switch to channel 7 for the very first bark. What did you all think? Clearly, Ro didn't disappoint since she dominated the entire fucking hour, but I dunno about this one...that woman can DOMINATE to the point where poor Baba Wawa looked like she was ready to put on her Blu-Blockers and call it a career. Joy Behar held up nicely with her Japanese kid comment, and I must applaud that old gasbag because she finally had the guts to say what the rest of us were thinking. Seriously, I live for the day when Ro stops imitating her children. And Hasselanus? Well, she did all right, I guess. The honest-to-God truth is that she knows Ro could physically overpower her in about .05 seconds, so she's on decent--if petulant--behavior. Me, I prefer a nice slow boil with this one...the eventual blowout, it's becoming quite evident, will definitely be worth the wait.

** I hadn't even finished watching 'The View' and somebody put the advance two-hour copy of 'America's Next Top Model' in my hand. There is a contestant on this season whose name is Melrose. I plan to watch it when I finish typing this blog entry; at this point, I'm starting to wonder why I even stopped to do this because clearly the season is going to be stellar. There's a contestant named Melrose. Fucking Melrose! To quoth Amber from the world's second-greatest movie only to Waiting for Guffman: 'We're going to Melrose.'

** Things were looking pretty lazy for the rest of the day until I received a text message from the supergoddess at 6:37 p.m. with a succinct critique of a somebody named Katie C. At which point, I realized that, ohshit, Katie Couric was making her CBS News debut and I had forgotten to turn my TV back on and watch the fucking thing! Now, I have to be honest, folks: As much as the tone and tenor of TV news takes me back to a warm, fuzzy memory of my grandparents' home and even my own home growing up, I never watch the damn TV news and find no real reason to do so given the fact that I can Google and Wikipedia my way into information overload these days. So I have no real critique of tonight's program beyond the following: Please stop putting Katie in those godawful Hillary C. blazers. THey don't work on her. Please tell me that Morgan Spurlock is not the new Andy Rooney. I don't think we need another one. And please, for the love of God, when you are making the biggest change to your broadcast in years, DON'T FRICKIN' LET YOUR SUPERSTAR BE UPSTAGED BY THE MOST FAMOUS NEVER-SEEN PERSON IN THE WORLD! THEY UNVEILED LIL' POMPADANUS' PHOTO ON THE AIR AND I TOTES FORGOT THAT KATIE COURIC WAS EVEN ON MY SCREEN!

Today wore me out, kids, in all the right ways. Here's to a happy fall of big-name blowouts!

Monday, September 04, 2006

BREAKING NEWS: Liza v. David divorce grows bleaker...




Check out this article detailing some new claims in the Liza Minnelli vs. David Gest divorce case, which came to totally unshocking light three years ago this fall with allegations of physical abuse, vodka slurping, and general bleakosity. Now David is claiming that poor Liza had herpes and never told him. And I am shocked and appalled--shocked and appalled!!--to read that David never actually transmitted it from Liza. They must have had some super-duper-safe sex.

careful careful, easy easy, take it slow.

As many of you know, I love me some Mariah.
I love her trashy clothes, her incredible voice, her campy videos, her 'puppies and rainbows' love songs, EVERYTHING.
But what I love most about MC, is this surprise appearance she made
on TRL back in July of 2001
(for the record, her "MTV Cribs" appearance is a very close second).
Enjoy.

Mariah's breakdown on TRL


Many moons ago, when The Cabinet first came together, we would spend hours bonding over faggy music DVDs and various movie scenes, and this somehow always found it's way into the rotation. We memorized and mined this bit for it's countless one-liners, some of which we still use today in everyday speech ("Hi-eeeeee!"). This train wreck occurred mere days before Mariah had her infamous breakdown and was admitted to the hospital. As you'll see in the clip, Carson says Mariah will headline an MTV 20 Year Anniversary special, though Mimi never made it. I'll admit, the first time I watched this I had my hand over my mouth, ready to cry. It's tough to see your idol's fall, and homegirl fell hard... on live national TV. Though the more I watched it, the funnier it got. I began to realize that no one is perfect, and well, "we've all been there, girl".
I raise my glass and say; Cheers. To more "stellar" moments in life.

I'm ugly. My jaw hurts.

I know this video hit the web eons ago,
but I'm posting it because:
a.) I'll NEEEVER tire of watching it, and
b.) everytime I quote Britney's "HUH?! WHAT?!",
Ouizer complains ,"I haven't seen that video yet."
So here you go Ouizer, now you can join in on the fun.

Britney Spears Stoned (or rolling, maybe)


When you're done laughing at poor Britty Peers,
take a look at this parady, "My Dinner with Britney Spears".
Most ingenius.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

More enemies for Xtina Aguilera




A big shout out and belated "congratulations" to my girls Aundrea, D.Woods, Dawn, Aubrey and Shannon the Wunderbite from Danity Kane. Those bitches turned it OUT and scooted in front of Outkast and Xtina to have the number 1 album last week. Yeeeeeeah. In honor of DK, I am posting one of my favorite YouTube clips. It shows them recording "Sleep on It" (the absolute best song on the album after "Showstopper," "Want it," and "Ride for You"). This clip has it all: Wunderbite *trying* to blow it out with her lame line about putting open toe shoes on, Aubrey waving her finger furiously as she concentrates reeealy hard to not fuck up, and the best part of all, Scott Storch looking like the lame anus he is. It's only September but I'm already proclaiming 2006 the year of Danity Kane. VIVA LA D. HEIN!

Ticket to Hell

What does it say about me, dear friends, that Shelby found this story and knew that I would find it hysterically funny? Yeah, we're all going to hell.

What's that sound?

It's the sound of Fred Ebb rolling over...and over...and over in his grave. Yes, it has in fact been confirmed that Trashlee Simpson is starting rehearsals to star as Roxie in "Chicago" in the West End.

Hmmmm...maybe the cabinet should plan trip across the pond so that we can witness firsthand all the booing that should/will ensue?

Watch your back, Clarkson!

We love you, Kelly Clarkson. We really do. But here's the thing... you'd better watch your back. Last year, you made an enemy out of Gwen Stefani when you completely cockblocked her, beating her out for every MTV Video Music or Grammy Award in which both of you were nominated. What can I say? You've got the Midas touch.

That said, your recent MTV Video Music Award win for Best Female Video for "Because of You" (Really? If I were going to pick one it would be "...Hazel Eyes", hands down) distressed me, to say the least. Winning over such heavyweights as Shakira, Madonna, and my girl Christina, I fear you may have crossed the line. Gwen is passive-aggressive enough, Shakira is coo-coo bananas enough and Madonna is English marm/Kabbalah enough to let your avalanche of "Breakaway" awards slide. But Christina....well, she is not amused. And while she let you emerge with "Miss Independent" unscathed, she might just cut you ear to ear this time.

I mean, can't you see that now is Christina's moment? With Brit-Brit about ready to pop another out from her sham marriage and "toss it in the pile with the other ones" (to paraphrase Laura from Project Runway), this is HER moment in the spotlight. So Kell Bells, it's damage control time. If you know what's best for you, I'd send a room full of flowers and an "I'm not worthy" apology note, stat.

Consider yourself warned, courtesy House of Aguilera.

Friday, September 01, 2006

It's cookie time...


Last night, the Cabinet held an official VMA viewing party at Truvy's house. At some point, one or more of us will talk about the evening's high points (Shakira's new honey-hued hair, Li'l Kim's coming out party, Missy Elliott getting BOPPED over the head by one of her peon dancers holding an umbrella before she proceeded to be pulled around the stage in Sean Preston's toy Escalade...). Until then, I wanted to share a very scary/hilarious thing that happened last night.

At some point, someone brought up Shelley Long and we all started BLOWING OUT. I guess you kind of had to be there to think it was funny but seriously, it was hilarious. We all instantly paired off and started having these weird frantic conversations/trivia games with each other (i.e. "what was better, Money Pit or Hello Again?" "what did she recently OD on again?" or "quick - name all of the tween actresses in Troop Beverly Hills!"). What is it about Shelley Long that made us fag out like that?

And while I'm on the subject... Troop Beverly Hills is one of the greatest movies of all times. Don't even talk about it.