The Joy of Xtina

I just found Christina's new pepsi commercial online...

actually I found several.

Seems there are two different commercials, but a few versions of each.

One is on a soccer field with her performing

alongside asian singer Bi Rain,

another is the same commercial, except with arabian singer Elissa,

while yet another is Christina all by herself.

Then we have one that starts with her in the studio.

Again, one version is Xtina solo, while another features Elissa.
All of these ads were made for overseas television,

but thanks to the miracle known as YouTube,

we can view them all.

Ooh! AND the commercial features a new song,

"Here to Stay", from her forthcoming album.
Goodtimes.

Christina Aguilera - Pepsi Commercial (Here To Stay)

asi es perfecto

The MTV nominations came out on Monday. Shakira led the pack with 7 nods. Madonna scored 5 and Xtina got 4. Miss Mimi even got nominated for Best R&B video for "Shake It Off" (if Mariah wins, this'll be her first).

For the first time, MTV is getting rid of the "viewer's choice" category and letting viewers vote for all of the winners. See the full list of nominees and vote here.

Hot Tamale!

Mariah just kicked off her tour in L.A. and it looks FABULOUS.

I can't wait to see this beastiness up close.

In case you missed it...

Here is a link to Kathy Griffin and "I'm Sick" McPhee on The View this week.

Apple of Our Eye

And NO, I am NOT talking about spawn of Paltrow, people! I am talking about the original nutcase piano chanteuse herself, Ms. Fiona Apple.

It is no big secret within the Cabinet that M'Lynn, Shelby and Clairee triple-heart Fiona. In fact, our rabid obsession over "When the Pawn..." was an early clue, along with the ability to quote every single line/phrase/mannerism out of "Waiting for Guffman", that there was a strong friendship in the works.

And so, six debauchery filled years later, a little older and none the wiser we found ourselves attending in the oppressive humidity her July 26th set at Central Park Summerstage. Because here's the deal, people: When Fiona tours, you go. It's as simple as that. She only agrees to perform live about once a decade, and even then you have no idea what face of Fiona is going to show up. She may be smiles and giggles. She may launch into a tirade about the monitors and run off the stage hysterically crying. She may stumble onto stage with hello kitty bandages covering attempted suicide slashes. And it doesn't matter. Because you know whatever it is, it will be utterly captivating. And that, my dear friends, is why you go.

With that in mind, here's what we discovered...

Fiona may be, against Doctor's orders, off her lithium.
Her tics were out of control throughout the entire set, complete with gutteral screams and herky jerky body movements. To the point that M'Lynn suggested someone unaware of her work attending the concert might think she suffers from Tourette's Syndrome. That or channeling Linda Blaire in "The Exorcist". Check out this clip someone took of her blowing out during "Fast as You Can" for a brief example.

Fiona's stuttering banter between songs is fantastic.
Her introduction to "Better Version of Me" included a long, rambling monologue about how when she was seven she asked "mama" if in order to have a good day she had to have a bad day. While her mother told her at the time that of course that wasn't true, she confided in the audience (and her mama, who happened to be in the audience), that she still disagrees. How very Fiona.

Fiona doesn't forgive, and she doesn't forget.
She introduced one song early in the evening with, "Have you ever been with someone before who when you're out in public, everyone thinks they are just the greatest most wonderful person? And then when you're alone together, they whisper the most horrible things in the world to you?"

Fiona hearts "When the Pawn..." as much as we do.
While she performed many of the "hits" from Tidal and Extraordinary Machine, the set list leaned heavily in favor of her crowning jewel. By my count there were seven.


For a little Guffman/Fiona synergy, and with her aforementioned fragile mental state in mind, I'd like to end with this statement:

WE LOVE YOU, FIONA! WE LOVE YOU AND WE WANT YOU TO LIIIIIIIVE!!!!

Stefy Rae - "Chelsea"

Ok, so I know the keyboard hook sounds exactly like Eurythmics' "Sweet Dreams", but I'm kinda loving this song...

get your sexy on

Speaking of "SexyBack", someone set the song to a barrage of Britney clips. It's kinda cool. It's like watching her whole greatest hits DVD in four minutes, AND there's a quick scene with her tearing it up at Splash. Yeeeaaahhh!

Sexy Back-Britney Spears Version

Yes, we know you have a pretty body

Mean to Britney premiered the video for his new single 'Sexy Back' on MTV today, which means that I caught it on YouTube about three hours later. What do you guys think of this joint? Any feelings?

Drum and I watched it together, and while we both enjoy the song, the video left us scratching our heads. What the hell is going on here? It's choppily edited and it doesn't really seem to be going anywhere. And is it just me, or is Mean to Britney kind of getting a little George Michael-y here? Either I'm straight trippin', or the flashbacks that I'm having to Mr. Can't-Keep-His-Pants-Up's 1992 'Toofunky' video are all too real.

You can see the video here.

You want crazy? I'll show you crazy!!

This pic of Janet Jackson from the video shoot of her new song 'Call on Me' surfaced online today. Peeps, I've said it before and I'll say it again: La Toya Jackson is my favorite Jackson, and it will always be that way. Why? Because she's the only one who embraced her crazy from the get-go. I don't know what Janet's doing here, and I don't think that she does, either. Which is why I don't like it one bit.


I used my hard-won Christmas money (well, a gift certificate to Waldenbooks, if you must get specific...) to buy her 1991 tell-all book La Toya: Growing Up in the Jackson Family, and I maintain that it was a well-advised purchase. This loon got SO much press on my favorite news show at the time, Entertainment Tonight, and I was especially excited when she talked about all of that sexual abuse at the hands of her dad and her creepy little husband/manager, Jack Gordon. The best part was that she went around blabbing that Gordon 'pushed' her into that 1989 Playboy pictorial, but when the time came to promote that book, she hustled and jumped those boobies right back off in the magazine!

It seems La Toya is trying to get back in the game with a forthcoming album, per her website. Upon further research, it also appears that she's been trying to peddle this thing for an unfortunate two years. Nonetheless, is anybody else gonna join me and raise their hand and say that they, too, want one of these t-shirts?

Sybil Syndrome

Beyonce says she regrets out-shining Prince during their Grammy duet (video). She claims her on-stage persona, Sasha, came out uncontrollably and took over the show.

Sidebar: No apology yet for running circles around Jewel and stamping out what was left of her career during "Divas Live" (video).
Sorry Jewel. No one wants you Sweetie.

Hey, That's No Way To Say Goodbye

Word on the street is that the end is nigh for The Cabinet's official stomping ground, Miss Roxy. Our favorite meeting place will be forever shuttering its doors at the end of the month to make room for yet another cookie-cutter set of riverfront condos. I know I speak for all of us here at Shelby that this news comes as a shocking BLOW!, and not in a good way, either. To add insult to injury, it seems as if promoter John Blair is going to let this New York institution creep away into the night, without an all-out extravaganza befitting a club that has been the cornerstone of the New York dance community since 1990.

If you get a chance to orbit Venus one last time, you should try to stop by next weekend for Peter Rauhofer's Roxy Classics party on July 29th. I really wish I could change my plans and stay in the city that weekend, but I've already committed myself to a wild weekend on the Isle of Fire. I guess I made my peace with this news during Pride this year, when I went to one of the best Roxy parties ever thrown. To some it may seem silly that a dance club holds so much significance, but were it not for Roxy I may never have met Truvy or Clairee, and the walls of that space hold my fondest memories of all of us together blowing it as only the Cabinet can.

My top five Roxy BLOW!s:

1. Madonna's Surprise Visit to Promote Confessions On A Dancefloor
"I have a very long history with the Roxy...my whole career started with twelve inches," exclaims a saucy Madge in all her sparkly blue perfection. Thousands respond in ecstatic cheers as the heat threatens to make more than a few pass out. Meanwhile, Ouizer freaks out on the back couches ranting "Gremlin Jump! Gremlin Jump!" for the better part of an hour.

2. Beyonce Makes Her Baby Boys Crazy In Love
SBNY may have gotten Britty Pears in the zone and out all night, but shortly thereafter Beyonce trumped Mrs. Federline's impromptu NY gay club performance by putting on a mini-extravaganza of her own. A pair of awe-inspiring performances of "Baby Boy" and "Crazy In Love", peppered with B warmly interacting with the audience - "I see YOU over there in da braids! I see you screaming on yo' cell phone!" - made this a Cabinet Night to Remember.

3. Peter Rauhofer's Madonnathon
A night of Madonna mixes from all periods of her career - who would have thought we'd ever hear True Blue album track "Where's The Party" blasting from the Roxy Phazon sound system? - was an evening where we couldn't wait to hear what was coming next. Big props to Peter for making Gap ad theme "Into The Hollywood Groove" into a credible dance staple.

4. "Me Against The Music" Remix Premiere
Much talk was made of the 'passing of the baton' from Madonna to Britty Pears, but the original version of the track had many snickering and pop radio showed only mild interest in the collaboration. Peter's remix, a heady electro reworking of the tune, had the crowd going wild with it's stuttering "B-B-B-B-B-Britney" intro. Ouizer and Shelby played a coy game of cat and mouse around the Roxy couches in homage to the video's ridiculous maze sequence.

5. Ouizer's Birthday Blowout 2002-2006
What more can I say? Birthday Blowouts will continue,but they will never be the same again.

And a list of my Top Twenty Roxy Anthems...songs that made me freak out as soon as I heard the opening bars and, yes, on occasion, to cry like a fool on the dancefloor:

20. "Nobody Knows Me" (Peter Rauhofer Private Life Mix) - Madonna
19. "Milkshake" (X-Press 2 Remix) - Kelis
18. "Me Against The Music" (Peter Rauhofer Remix) - Britty Pears featuring Madonna
17. "Luv 2 Luv" (Cevin Fisher Mix) - Suzanne Palmer
16. "Dark Beat" (Original Mix) - Oscar G
15. "Just A Little While" (Peter Rauhofer Mix) - Boobie Jumpoff
14. "Love That Man" (Peter Rauhofer Retro Mix) - La Whitney
13. "Wish I Didn't Miss You" (Hex Hector Remix) - Angie Stone
12. "17 Again" (Peter Rauhofer Mix) - Eurythmics
11. "Toxic" (Peter Rauhofer Mix) - Britty Pears
10. "Home" (Offer Nissim Mix Part I) - Suzanne Palmer
9. "Impressive Instant" (Peter Rauhofer Universal Mix) - Madonna
8. "Lose My Breath" (Peter Rauhofer Breathless Mix) - Destiny's Child
7. "Searching" (Original Mix) - Offer Nissim featuring Maya
6. "Heartattack" (Peter Rauhofer Particular Mix) - Jahkey B featuring Satta
5. "Whatchulookinat?" (Peter Rauhofer Mix) - La Whitney
4. "Beautiful" (Peter Rauhofer Mix) - XXXtina
3. "Emotional Rollercoaster" (That Kid Chris Mix) - Vivian Green
2. "Easy As Life" (Tony Moran Mix) - Deborah Cox
1. "Appreciate Me" (Peter Rauhofer's Trip To Paradise Mix) - Amuka

Ah Miss Roxy, you'll always be in my heart, and I've got more than a handful of memories tucked in the back pocket of my favorite jeans to last me my whole life.

xoxo,

Ouizer

Danity Kane = Schadenfreude

Do yourself a favor and check out the MySpace page of Danity Kane from MTV's Making the Band 3. Not only will you hear quite possibly the worst song ever created in the history of recorded music , "Show Stopper", you'll get to check out a classy comments board including greased exposed ass. Enjoy!

America's favorite precocious teenager...

...JoJo, is back with another mid-tempo kiss-off song, complete with ridiculously pointless baby Xtina vocal gymnastics at the end. Check it out. Preposterous!

such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho.

I'm LOVING this song.
I dig the video too, but I don't like
the part on the pool table.
She kinda looks like Geri Halliwell there.
It's freaky.


Fergie - London Bridge

Trashtastic!

There are a few things that make me genuinely happy in this world. Ashlee Simpson is one of them. Ashlee (aka "Trashlee," or "Ashtray") performed at some random Victoria's Secret promotional event in NYC last night. Of course, the Cabinet was there is full effect. We didn't have much forewarning about this concert but you KNOW we got our shit together and organized an outing at light speed. Because it was a random promotional event, Trashlee only performed a few songs. They were THE HITS so we didn't mind one bit. Surrounded by tweens, parents and random "obvious girls," the Cabinet blew it out as Ashtray took the stage singing "Boyfriend." Yeeeeaah. Shelby's Gal took the video above. The sound is a bit blown but you can get a good shot of her doing her "robot/soldier crazy arm swing" dance (and I use that word loosely). In-between songs (I use that term loosely too) Ashtray entertained the crowd with her witty banter like only she could. For example, "This is REALLY fun, guys!" or "I'm so happy to be at a Victoria's Secret pajama party... I've been on the road with my girls and we always get in our pajamas, eat popcorn and watch movies... it's FUN."
This girl cannot sing. This girl cannot dance. This girl cannot perform. We luv'it.
P.S. The set list was as follows:
Boyfriend
La La
Burnin' Up
L.O.V.E.
Pieces of Me

"It's a little difficult here."

This is a photo of Mariah on the set of her new video for the "Say Somethin'" remix. Click here for more fabulous pics.


The clip below is Mariah presenting at the ESPYs.
You can fast forward through the nominees,
but watch the end because Will Ferrell
crashes Lance's snore of a speech.

aww... memories.

M'lynn dug up this little treasure and I wanted to share.

Outrageous.

CLASS REUNION
"It is A Different World for the cast of the '80s campus sitcom (from back row, left) – Sinbad, Dawnn Lewis, Darryl M. Bell, Kadeem Hardison, Cree Summer, Lisa Bonet, Debbie Allen and Jasmine Guy – who reunited at a TV press tour in Pasadena on Thursday. The show, which ran from '87-'93, begins airing on Nick at Night July 22. "

House of Heinous

B did Mama Knowles another huge favor by posing in yet another set of ads for the "House of Dereon" (see more pics here).

Beyonce looks great as always, but Tina looks good too. Looks like MomDukes has been B's fasting partner. Three cheers for anorexia!

FYI... that's Grandma Dereon's portrait in the background.

"oh, am I'm supposed to be working?"

So Fantasia finally decided to stop chillin' on the couch

and got up and did something with her career.

Check out the commercial for her new Lifetime Movie,

"Life is Not a Fairy Tale".

It was directed by Debbie Allen

and also stars Loretta Devine (YES! Love Her!).

I hope it's completely over the top.

Hot Chocolate

I'm sitting on the back porch eating Ruffles and drinking some pinot grigio right now, Drum's working late, and I've finally got some me time. So what am I doing? Relaxing with 'Bourgie, Bourgie: Vol. 2,' a CD compilation--graciously made for me by dear friend Ouizer--of R&B music from the '70s and '80s that falls into the musical category known as Quiet Storm. To put it simply, Quiet Storm encompasses what we children of the '80s know as "slow jams." When I was growing up, my very favorite radio station in the history of ever used to play a good mix of current pop hits, Latin freestyle (don't even get me started on this one), and Quiet Storm.

Ouizer helpfully separated the twenty-plus hits on this CD into two distinct periods: one covers the mid-'70s to early '80s, and the other covers the mid-'80s to late '80s. To distinguish, Ouizer placed a small photograph of the absolutely MAJOR and sorely missed Roxie Roker, who played Helen Willis on The Jeffersons, on the first one. For the other, I got a nice picture of Tony-winning actress/bourgie earth mother Phylicia Rashad (better known during most of the Quiet Storm years as Phylicia Ayers-Allen). :)

It's been said that most gay men have a big ol' black woman somewhere deep inside, and I think that if my inner black woman were to show herself someday--no, and really, gurl...if you want to meet, just come on by!--she'd look something like Anita Baker when she's gettin' all up in some "Sweet Love." Maybe she's rocking a retro look to go with the tunes, like Sharon Bryant on the cover of Atlantic Starr's album In the Name of Love (see gurl in haneous dress, above). Or perhaps she'd look like Patti Labelle, looking out onto the city skyline and singing about how life will be better when I'm "On My Own." By the way, that song BLOW!s at approximately 4:01 if you want to lip sync along. What? I do it all the time.

And if I ever met my inner black woman, I think I'd take her out dancing on one of those 'round-the-harbor sunset cruises that always seem to be blasting this music from the water. Seriously! She and I would hit the dance floor in our pantsuits, glasses of wine in hand, and jam to some "Slow Hand" by The Pointer Sisters or "Saturday Love" by Cherrell and Alexander O'Neal. We'd get a little too tipsy on the dance floor and make asses of ourselves by doing The One Dance that you can do to Quiet Storm music. What's that? Oh, just tilt your head back, close your eyes, and make something that resembles a grin crossed with a grimace. Then just thrust your pelvis back and forth, wobbly-like, and shake your head slowly, like you're testifying. There. Done.

Me? I like doing that to "Juicy" by Mtume. Literally, it's a midtempo beat with folks whispering things like "Juicy!"...it's totes Soul-Glo commercial from Coming to America. Then I'd slow it down a bit and get all serious-like and look for some menses when the hit "I Miss You" by Klymaxx begins. Which, incidentally, may be one of the best slow songs of all time. Especially since it comes from the same group that gave us "Meetin' in the Ladies' Room," a song I'm more apt to prefer at 3:30 a.m. on a Saturday night in some dark dance den. (Yeeeeeaaaahhh.)

This is one serious CD. OH, my God, Ouizer! YOU SHOULD HAVE PEDDLED THIS TO OPRAH'S LEGENDS BALL!!!!!!

Forever 21

Does anybody else think Nicky Hilton's line "Chick by Nicky Hilton" is a heinous mess? Does anybody else out there even care? I don't blame you if you don't. For some reason, I do.
I hate Paris Hilton but, of course, I'm totally entertained by her and will watch and or listen to everything she does. I LOATHE Nicky. I mean, you'd think she refused to do The Simple Life or dyed her hair dark because she was the "smart Hilton." No, she's just the boring one. And, as we've said time and time again here at RYBS, there is no greater offense than to be boring. I actually wanted to like Chick. When it first came out I made a special trip to Macy's (if I was in L.A. I TOTALLY would've gone to Kitson) and browsed through the racks for a cute Chick ensemble. I had to cup my hand over my mouth to keep from puking. It is so tacky - - looks like a 5 year old designed it especially for Forever 21, Strawberry or Wet Seal. Blechgh.

Frey Day

Congratulations to American patriot Amber Frey—who helped put Scott Peterson behind bars for his role in the gruesome murder of his wife and unborn son—on her marriage to a neighbor in Clovis, Calif. The Cabinet congratulates the newlyweds and wishes them a happy life in the Central Valley!

Thor would be SO mad.

Oh Hell to the No!
They're remaking "Adventures in Babysitting" with Raven Symone in Elizabeth Shue's role.
Truly Haneous.
Now I'm down with some "That's So Raven", but this just reeks of failure. I hope Raven proves me wrong, but I can't imagine how. "AIB" is a modern classic and should be treated with a little respect. This sounds like they want to take a great movie and 'nickelodeon' it to death. I'll be tracking this story with my fingers crossed.

...but I'm outta control.

Here it is folks, and yes, it's perfect.
I'm totally sold, B tears it up.
Now I'm all lil' debbie* for some hot remixes.
The new album, "Bday", hits stores September 5th
(her actual Bday is Sept 4th, but we won't nit-pick).

Beyonce - Deja Vu (Music Video)


*overly anxious.
Like the feeling you get when opening a delicious lil debbie cake.
GimmeGimmeGimmeGimme! mmmmmm......

The real threat to the sanctity of marriage

is Christie Brinkley. Honestly, woman, could you please stop doing this ?

I'm Addicted to You...

So, Truvy and I schlepped it all the way out to Jones Beach Theater (or as Truvy dubbed it, Jones BLEAK Theater) last night to represent the Cabinet at Kelly Clarkson’s Addicted Tour. I will now attempt to relive the experience for you all…

The evening began at Penn Station, where I awaited Truvy in what looked to be the storm of the century. At this point, I wasn’t sure whether there was going to be a concert at all, let alone Earth (it was only later we would hear that actual freakin’ torandos had touched down nearby). Once Truvy arrived at the appointed hour, we hopped onto the LIRR, then made a transfer out in Bleaksville, Long Island to a fag-and-hag-filled Long Island bus. Our bus driver was completely insane, careening towards Jones Beach at mach-speed, to the point that you could feel the wheels almost tipping up on the turns. I shared with Truvy my theory that our driver was either the former Staten Island Ferry operator or Dr. Nicholas Bartha. Clearly someone with malicious intent.

By the time we stepped off the bus, the rain had completely stopped. Once again, evidence that Mother Nature is a big, black and beautiful drag queen. In the parking lot, we passed by a mini-stage set up for “Kellyoke”. And yet, as much fun as it might have been to sing an off-key rendition of “Since U Been Gone” in the middle of a Long Island parking lot, we decided to make our way into the theater. Although not before passing row after row of tailgaters, people with folding tables set up covered with meat-filled casseroles and Natty Light beer cans. Once again, evidence that people in Long Island lead boring, empty lives.

Once inside the theater and traveling to our seats, we were able to survey the audience demographic for the first time. We discovered that Kelly Clarkson in Jones Beach attracts roughly 40% Long Island families with young children, 40% large groups of raging tween girls, and 20% fags and hags (obviously our contingency were the gays from Manhattan, because who but the gays are stupid enough to go to Jones Beach via train/bus on a rainy Wednesday night? I mean honestly).

The opening act, some Hell-A band called Rooney, is not worth mentioning here as their music made my ears almost start bleeding.

Following that travesty, the concert began with the lights dimming and AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” blasting through the speakers at full volume (Eek). Following THAT travesty, Kelly opened the concert in silhouette behind the curtain, singing the opening bars to “Addicted”. At this point, the tween girls that were surrounding us on all sides began the scream-singing and off-beat clapping that would threaten to mar the duration of the concert.

While the audience was bleak, however, Kelly was in top form - proceeding to blow her tits off for a solid hour and fifteen minutes. She performed all of her hits, as well as some tasty new material. As well, she performed two covers: Ray LaMontagne’s “Shelter” (which she had sung previously for MTV’s ReAct Now Hurricane benefit) and Marc Broussard’s “Home”, which was completely random and yet amazing. Her banter throughout the concert was hilarious, punctuated by lots of “cool beans!” and “you guys are awesome!”. I guess it’s much too early to expect any Madonna/Babs screaming at the audience, huh?

How did she look? Well, I’m happy to report she did not feature any of the midriff-baring outfits that have landed her in the pages of In Touch as of late. That said, she is still in DESPERATE need of a gay stylist. While she was sporting a cute new short ‘do, she couldn’t have been bothered to put a little product in her hair, which resulted in an unpleasant rats nest look by the third song.

Our Kells put an exclamation mark at the end of the concert with a double whammy of “Breakway” and “Since U Been Gone”, performed out in the audience. We walked out of the concert content, just as Mo’ Nature decided she had held out long enough and started spitting out rain again.
I guess that’s about it. We took a bunch of horrific blobs-of-light pictures with Truvy’s camera phone, so hopefully those will follow soon…

Zoltar, bitch! Not Zoltan.*

VH1's new game show, The World Series of Pop Culture, could possibly be the best new show on television. I just sat down to watch a minute of it last night, and ended up glued to my TV for the next hour. Instantly addictive. I haven't been this excited about a game show since Rock n' Roll Jeopardy. Incidentally, I kick ass.

*The wish granting genie in "Big".

TiVo alert

Or should I say, drunk speech alert! Yeeeaaahhh!

This is Mariah's seating placard for the ESPYs,

annnd of course she's presenting.

The show airs this Sunday @ 9pm on ESPN.

High hat. 808.

Deja Vu Beyonce Live BET Awards 2006

Check it, B's new video for "Deja Vu" will premiere on

MTV Wednesday night at 11pm.
The song didn't blow me away when I first heard it,

but it's growing on me.
If the video is crazy, then I'm sold.

When I feel I can't go on...

...I turn to Jesus.

- Kathryn Merteuil, "Cruel Intentions", 1999

Not so much a has-been, but more like a never-was

I have always felt white-hot rage towards Nelly Furtado, so obviously I find this huge comeback of hers particularly distressing.

After "Folklore" was purchased by two people in 2003, neither of which were her parents, I was finally able to sleep at night. She was out for the count. I assumed she'd spend the rest of her days smacking tambourines and blowing on a pan flute on a bleak multicultural hippie commune somewhere in Canada.

Instead, I have to put up with THIS? There truly is no god.

Secret Lovers

Seems Mariah's found a Jordan of her own. This is the first clear picture of long rumored BF Mark Sudack. Peeps say they've been secretly dating since "...mimi's" launch back in April '05, yet have never been photographed together.

My man is SA-TIS-FIED! But yes... technically, I'm a virgin.

Oh no Stacy, posing in Playboy?

What would Dionne say about this hot mess.

Independence Day

YEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Welcome home, Queen Bee! The Cabinet (led by Ouizer, of course) sends our best upon your early release from prison. We missed you!

Team Piggy

I know everyone has been waiting for me to weigh in on FPBITB's whirlwind week of mad drama, but I needed to let the dust settle for a minute to take it all in. Now that I've had a few days to gather my thoughts, I've decided that Team Piggy has come out ahead after round one. I can't figure out why Barbara Walters and ABC got SO blown out about her talking to People Magazine about getting fired. Barbara stated she thought Piggy left the show "without dignity", but I really don't see how she came to that conclusion. It isn't like Piggy raged on live television and ate off Hasselanus' head during Hot Topics (now THAT would have been MEGA). It isn't like she confessed to the reporters at People that Babawawa is really a corpse manipulated by CG effects. She simply told people she felt like she was fired and that she consulted with God and He told her it would be OK.

So, despite my checkered past with you, Piggy, I'm with you all the way and I hope we hear more from you soon about whatever c-list endeavor you weasel your way into next. Hugs to you and Miss Al.

xoxo,

Ouizer

I Am Thrilled!

Dear Queen Bee,

Got your message that you would be coming out of the prison on MONDAY!!!! I am SO excited that you will be home for Da Fourth, and I hope you pop open a bottle of Cristal just for me. We need to go get our nails done at the Korean ladies' salon in Tenafly soon! I'll make an appointment for me, you and Mama Ruby.

As always, I am proud of your polished sound bites to the media. I thought this blurb from your press release was FLANtastic:

"I am thrilled to be coming home," the artist said in a statement. "I thank all my fans for all their letters, as well as my family and friends for all their support throughout the past 10 months." By the way, I was representing at the Pier Dance for you in my Marc Jacobs luvs Lil Kim top and it was a HUGE success! : )

Even if you are under house arrest for thirty days, that's really no big deal and of course we will all come to you. We can hit Mr. Chow on August 2nd when your time is officially OVER. Should I reserve the back room now? I'll make sure they have plenty of the squab rolls!

Watch your back Foxy...we aren't playing with your stank ass anymore.

xoxo,

Your #1 Fan Ouizer

I need more pins

Hip, hip, horray! Clean bill of health for Cheney! And not a moment too soon...I was spending many a sleepless night worrying about the future of Halliburton and quail hunting.

In all seriousness, my apologies to everyone. It seems I've really been slacking with my voodoo lately. I don't have any excuse other than my recently busy schedule of vodka consumption. But I'm going to run out to Michaels in a minute to grab some more pins (the others are COMPLETELY dulled from my Katherine McPhee doll!), and I promise to pick up the pace in the coming weeks and months.

'Back to Basics' Cover

Here's the official artwork for Heinous Hair's 'Back to Basics' cover. What do you think? I know, I know - the pose is a bit Glamour Shots... but she looks freakin' hot!

Hasselhoff pulls a Blowhan

It seems that David Hasselhoff recently had a "shaving accident" and consequently had to have surgery(?) to repair a severed tendon in his arm(?).

Very well, then. I just have one minor question for you, David... WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU TRYING TO DO? As a gay boy who is of German heritage, I require frequent body hair removal, sometimes involving acts of severe contortion. I also must shave my face on a daily basis, lest I get confused for a lumberjack at work. And yet, I can't say I have ever been in danger of maiming or dismembering myself at the hand of my Mach3 Power...and that's a motherfuckin' RAZOR that VIBRATES.

This Hasselhoff shaky-coke-hand-shaving incident kinda reminds me of the equally questionable Blowhan shower/teacup accident at Bryan Adams' house back in January. Celebrities - get it together!