Open the gates and seize the day...

Since we're on the subject of favorite obscure movies, I have to put a plug in for "Newsies" (1992). Sure, it's a pretty bad movie but SUCH a guilty pleasure for all us theatre fags and hags who were in our tween prime in 1992. This film has it all... cliched jazz dancing (thanks to 80's choreographer extraordinaire, Kenny Ortega), a young Christian Bale, Max Casella ("Vinny" from Doogie Howser, M.D.)and Dee Caspary (this kid I used to compete against in cheesy dance competitions and who was a dancer in Paula Abdul's "Forver your Girl" video). It also has a very homoerotic opening scene given the fact it has a G rating. The dancing is great, the songs are better - - if you haven't seen this gem yet, watch it today!
Oh, I forgot to mention there is this part in the opening song where this woman blows her tits off singing for no reason... Clairee and I LOVE it.

Look! Up in the sky! I can see her panties!

With all of Ouizer's talk of Mommie Dearest, I was reminded of another campy Faye Dunaway movie that I love, "Supergirl" (1984).

I had this on VHS when I was a young'un and I used to watch it everyday. I hadn't seen it since I was like 10 years old, so I ordered it online (at Amazon via The Book Bin. BTW... great site, got my movie in 2 days), and it DID NOT disappoint. It's made by the same peeps who brought you the "Superman" movies (FYI: for it's off-the-meter camp value, #4 is my favorite).

The movie is basically about Supergirl (Helen Slater) coming to Earth to rescue the lost Omegahedron (her planet's major power source) from the evil sorceress, Selena (Faye Dunaway). She's totally a kid on her planet, and therefore a total fish out of water here on Earth. Selena and her sidekick, Bianca (Brenda Vaccaro), are deadset on taking over the world and are as over the top as expected. The special effects are on par with the Superman movies, the acting is fine, but the script has some major holes in it. I'm bound to have it re-memorized in a matter of weeks.

I was so obsessed with this movie as a kid that I even had the 'chose your own adventure' book. I must have read that thing a million times. No doubt, that'll be my next purchase.

Ya'll ain't ready

Looks like quitters DO win.

Mario Vasquez, the only kid who ever quit Idol during the competition, is finally ready to put out a CD. The single "Gallery" (listen here) has been shipped to radio, and the CD should hit stores late summer/early fall.

I listened to the single, and while I like his voice, I'm not sure it's such a great song. Obviously this is not meant to be his big breakout hit, but more of something to create buzz. I ain't mad at 'em, I still like the kid, but if he wants to sell he'll have to bring it bigger and better than this.

One Love

I'm not sure if Mary's version of U2's "One" is going to be her next single, but it seems they've already shot a video. It's nothing flashy, a black and white performance piece, but it's worth a look if only to see Mary rock out and lose her shit (as only Miss Blige can do).

Incidentally, watching this, and seeing MJB as a rock star, I totally get the purpose of Idol's varied competition. If you truly want to be a legend, a giant in the field of music, then you must have versatility. You really must know how to become the song you're singing, no matter the genre.

Props to Mary for proving this time and again.

"You guys like this one?"

In honor of Mariah's Anniversary tomorrow (she doesn't like to call them "birthdays"), I've added her Intel commercial for your viewing pleasure.

I love her husky speaking voice. It sounds like she's all hungover from raging at da club the night before.

Goodtimes.

Not Ready to Make Nice

I'm coming out of the closet.

I love me some Dixie Chicks.

FINALLY, after being ostracized by their country music fans for having common sense and an opinion, the D Chicks said 'eff off'

and made a rock/pop album with Rick Rubin.

Listen to the new song "Not Ready to Make Nice" here.

I dig it.

imitating art

The Simpson's are opening this Sunday's show with a live action sequence made in the UK as a promo piece. If you haven't seen it yet, check it out here.

It's quite brilliant.

The DaVinci Code

So far, I'm just barely a fan of MTV's 8th & Ocean, but I'm already in lust with Vinci. Incidentally, while cruising the internet, I discovered him modeling clothes on International Male and their sister site, Undergear.

Looking good Vinci, now where's that Calvin Klein ad?

I feel like I'm forgetting something...

Is it bad that I was hysterically laughing at this story about some guy who got on a train and forgot that he left his baby in his car? I mean, in addition to being horribly embarrassed you just KNOW he's sleeping on the couch right now. And they might as well get a divorce because he officially has NO chance of ever winning an argument with his wife again. Nor will he probably ever hear the end of it. "Thanks for picking up dinner, honey. Did you also happen to remember your daughter?"

How Could I Have Forgotten This Interview???

Anyone that knows me knows that this Madonna soundbite is as close to my inner psyche as you can POSSIBLY get. I'm still shaking from the revelation.

Haven't We Suffered Enough?

Just when I thought we'd seen the last of her with that trainwreck "Intuition" and the accompanying Schick television ads, our lovely "I lived in my 1971 Volkswagen Scooby-Doomobile in Alaska before I got my big break" poetess Jewel is back with another stream-of-thought ditty called "Again & Again". New album Goodbye Alice In Wonderland drops May 2nd, and I'm sure she'll be doing a whole slew of b-list mid-morning talk shows in support of it. Haven't we suffered enough??? Not likely, since I'm sure I will be sneaking off on my lunch break to go pick it up when it comes out.

Shame On You, Chloe!

Shame on you, Chloe! How can they declare you the winner of Project Runway when you've been designing for the stars for over 20 years! I have it on very good authority that you were making outfits for the Pointer Sisters when you were barely a tween. Click the title to check out this 1984 Soul Train performance of "Automatic" for proof!

Ain't Nothin' To Worry About, Queen Bee!

Dear Queen Bee,

First of all, I want to let you know gurl that I'm SO proud of how well you are behaving in the prison, even though they took away your wigs and I hear you are having problems with one of your breast implants. It takes a strong woman to brave the terrors behind bars, and I know you'll come out the better for it.

I've been watching your new show Lil' Kim: Countdown to Lockdown on BET, and I'm touched by how loyal you are to your fans. Giving us a video diary of you shopping for your beautiful clothes and working so hard to make videos that aren't wack is really comforting in our time of need. Your new single "Whoa" is the jump and I hope they will embrace it at radio and retail.

I thought you could use a little chuckle so I am including these photographs of Trina at an All-Star event last month. I know you will never have any competition, but just in case you should ever doubt yourself, know that your hexes on all other female rappers work even when you are behind prison walls. Girl is a HOT mess and there ain't nothin' to worry about, Queen Bee.

Your #1 Fan,

Ouizer

P.S. I got your note in the mail the other day. Your BIG BLOWS miss you, too. xoxo

The Return of Sneaky Grandma

I might have to rethink who gets the nickname of Sneaky Grandma because this BLOW! seems the more appropriate designee. 72-year-old Samuel McGinton was arrested in an Ohio library for diddling himself under his floral-printed skirt. Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we have here a frontrunner for the 2006 Real Life BLOW! Award. Yeeeeeeaaaaaaah!

I'm Not Going To Talk About That MOMMIE DEAREST Movie!

Click on the title above for one of my favorite internet discoveries ever! My friend Annelle (who often comments on this blog) sent me the link for this wonder of an MP3. It's a ranting voicemail left by Miss Faye Dunaway to one of her publicists. I think my favorite part of this is that she keeps referring to how she will NOT "talk about that Mommie Dearest movie". I wish she would lighten up on that gem of celluloid since it's one of my favorite movies, but I guess she just can't let it go. Can't let 'em go, can't let 'em go.

Soundtracks Don't Lie!

I had been trying to decide what I thought of Shakira's new single "Hips Don't Lie" (featuring Wyclef Jean - click the title for the video) when a coworker pointed out to me that the song isn't actually new. It seems that Shakira's record label panicked when her latest English-language album Oral Fixation vol. II (aka Why Is There A Baby Crawling In A Tree?) bombed last holiday and scrambled to "re-release" it with new material. I guess The Neptunes and Jermaine Dupri were both busy, because they enlisted Wyclef to come to the rescue. And...instead of creating a new gem for our Colombian Hipshaker, Wyclef took one of his old songs and stripped off the female vocals! (Sneaky Wyclef, how much money did you abscond with from Sony by hoodwinking them into paying for some recycled material!) The ORIGINAL track, called "Dance Like This", was featured on the soundtrack for the classic Dirty Dancing...

II: Havana Nights. So...not only did she get a half-assed track, she got a track associated with quite possibly the WORST sequel in film history. Shaki, I think maybe you should listen to the advice of your own music...don't bother!

Jumps We Love, No. 1 in a series

Tonight's episode of Will & Grace (I'm watching 'cause it's leaving soon!) was pretty fucking gay, what with the cowboy bar called Cowpoke, the '9 to 5' moment, the Beverley Leslie (YES!!!!), and the guest appearance of the divine Shohreh Aghdashloo. I've loved me some Shohreh ever since she was unexpectedly nominated for a Best Supporting Actress statuette back in 2004 for House of Bland and Fugly and she played a bad mammajamma on 24 (okay, I just picked that show up again this season, so I'm totes lying about this one).

But I digress. I wanted to start a new series about some of the jumps I get all excited about when I see them on screens big and small, and I thought Shohreh would be a good start. She's got this wicked smoky voice and a completely disinterested air, all while maintaining the sexy. Plus she has this really sweet backstory: She was a huge Iranian film star who fled the country back in 1978 when it got all 'fuck off, free thinkers!' and went to England for an education, then came to Hollywood and struggled for years to get her big break. All this--and she's like the middle eastern Catherine Zeta-Anus/Sophia Loranus.

You go, Shohreh!

Love is...

Sharon fuckin' Stone.

Separated at birth?

Amanda Lepore and Irene Marie from MTV's 8th & Ocean? (Incidentally, if you haven't been watching this show, START NOW). Ouizer and I were talking about the uncanny resemblance, so I thought I'd share...

Nice knowin' ya, Lisa!

My prediction: Lisa Tucker will bite the big one this week. Bucky has enough toothless PBR-drinkin' fans to keep him around for another week, and yes, Kevin has enough blue-hairs and tweens that find him adorable. And who does Lisa have? The moms and dads from Bravo's Showbiz Moms and Dads and perhaps the Ramseys.

The Face of Insanity

Not to beat a dead horse, but SERIOUSLY...what the f*&@ was Paula on tonight? She was more screwed up than usual, and let's just say her "normal" behavior would merit a double-(triple?) take if she were say, a stranger sitting next to you on the bus. I mean, her eyes were glassy like she thought she was on Venus, she kept swaying back and forth, and one eye was half closed like she was having a stroke. All this in addition to her normal erratic outbursts, inappropriate laughter, and rollercoaster emotions. Gurl - you seriously need to piece it together!

"Otherwise, it just gets nasty."

Folks, I have quite possibly found the greatest TV show of all time. "Nighty Night" is a british comedy with the darkest sense of humor. Season two begins Wednesday at 10pm, but as of late, Oxygen has been rerunning season one constantly.

Basically, season one centers on Jill, who's husband has cancer and is in the hospital. Although he's getting better, she tells him that he's getting worse and will die any day now. Meanwhile, she tells everyone else that he's already dead and they should feel sorry for her. To ease her pain, she moves in with her neighbors, Cathy and Don. Jill is playing homewrecker and trying to steal Don away from his wheelchair bound, MS striken wife. When that doesn't work, she goes after their teenage son. Hilarity ensues.

I could go on and on talking about this show. The first season was only six episodes, but contained more plot development, more twists and turns, than two seasons of Desperate Housewives. Check out the glowing reviews from Amazon, and the official BBC site.

Trust me. It's outrageous.

Clearly, Gay Irish are similar to the KKK

Just to continue my rant on this holiday, check out this business. Completely outrageous.

Like we couldn't see this coming

I've just resigned myself to the fact that George Clooney's villa on Lake Como will always be in my face.

I wish there was a blizzard tomorrow

I hate St. Patrick's day almost as much as Valentine's Day. Here's why:

1). I'm going to have to stomach all the "obvious girls" at work who not only think it's cute that they're wearing some blown leprechaun sweater but feel the need to kid me that I "forgot" to wear green. Mmm-hmmm. As far as I'm concerned, these particular traditions/tortures should die after childhood - like gym class.

2). It's a national straight holiday, along the lines of Super Bowl Sunday or New Year's Eve. Seriously - they are ALLS about this shit. In fact, my boyfriend just told me some of the people at his work were actually taking the day off. wtf? Let me just make a sweeping statement - drunk straight people are scary! Normally boring people (especially ones with kids) + alcohol on "special occasions" = formula for disaster. Count on pub after pub spilling with over-the-hill frat boys with stomachs bulging from an entire day's worth of beer bongs and chicken wings.


3). I live on the upper east side, meaning there is NO DOUBT in my mind I will see some tragic girl vomiting on 2nd Avenue, somehow wasted by 6:00 pm. I kid you not I witness this every year.


My advice? Clairee advises you to grab a bottle of wine on the way home, order in chinese, and hide your ass until Saturday morning when the streets will be safe for us gurls once again. GOOD LUCK!

Whoa.

Here are some pics that M'Lynn forwarded to me. They were taken at the 'Liza with a Z' event I posted about a few days ago. The one in the middle/right is an AWESOME pic of The Corpse. The rest are proof that Rosie O'Donnell is, indeed, a DV jumpoff.

American Idiots

I'm so not surprised by what Joe Simpson said today about his family's feelings on President Bush:
"We are huge fans of him and of his family, his girls. Jessica loves the heck out of him."

Knowing Jessica Simpson's IQ, isn't that quote just saying so much?

In A Word?

Yum.

Moos You Can Use

Are any of you familiar with Jeanne Moos, the fabulous 'lifestyle' correspondent who always has those AWESOME segments on CNN News, usually around the last half-hour, that cover a current and cool trend? I haven't caught one of her reports in a while, but she does stuff on things like the gay penguins at Central Park or the geeks who line up 3 months early for 'Star Wars' openings or some sort of new strip aerobics class at a gym. What's most notable about Jeanne is the fact that she's been on CNN for a bajillion years, she always seems utterly fascinated and enthralled and slightly wigged out by whatever oddball thing she's covering, and to top it all off, she has a really honky voice that you'll recognize in an instant. (I'm sure she can get people on the street to stop just by opening her mouth—if Jeanne Moos ever stopped to talk to me, I'd probably do one of two things: Jump on her like a rabid monkey, or faint like that lady who won the Showcase Showdown on 'The Price Is Right' that one time.)

I just wanted to give a shout-out to her--saw that she was the special guest at a reception in Manhattan tonight and thought it was time to give her her props on the blog. You go on with your bemused self, gurl!

(PS: Sorry to all readers for the horrid design on my post below. Clearly, working with computers to create an aesthetically pleasing blog post was not my calling in life.)

Just like Miss Mona's

I was watching American Idol last night and I realized a couple of things. Now, I'm a MAJOR fan of the 1982 movie musical The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, which I watched religiously as a kid, and I now realize that Elliott Yamin looks exactly like Jim Nabors, who played the doofy sidekick to Burt Reynolds' Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd. And then I watched Taylor Hicks start to dance (that's not really the correct term to describe what he did last night...), and realized that he was boot-scootin' just like Dom DeLuise's crusading televangelist Melvin P. Thorpe.

I'm sure I'm the only freak on earth who would ever conflate an overblown musical and a Fox singing competition, but I just had to share this with the world.

My New Addiction: OTC Uppers

Now, it should be no surprise to any of you that I am into "uppers", but I must say - a few of the over-the-counter variety have recently caught my eye:

1). TAB ENERGY DRINK. Great with some vodka (shit will eff you UP!) or just a quick pick-me-up before the gym. One of these, and you'll be maniacally running on the treadmill like you're Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford next to the car in "Mommie Dearest".

2). DEXATRIM MAX. Perfect if you're "dying to be thin" and want to curb that appetite without the pesky expense of Kate Moss candy.

That's all... just wanted to share my most recent deranged pleasures with my peaps. Oh, and I wanted to warn everyone that this could in fact be my last post. With this Dexatrim Max raging through my veins, pretty soon I'm going to be hallucinating game shows and moving refrigerators like Ellen Burstyn as Sara Goldfarb in "Requiem for a Dream". Next stop? Electroshock therapy. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

I'm Sho Exschited (part deux)

Last night I had the amazing fortune of being M'Lynn's plus one at a Showtime party honoring 'Liza with a Z.' As you may know, Showtime is airing this gem of a show on April 1st. Gonna be a JUMP! It's the first time it is being shown on TV since 1973. If this isn't gay christmas, I don't know what is.
I really can't remember a time when I didn't love Liza. She has always had a special presence in my life (and I'm assuming in the lives of most Read Your Blog, Shelby! readers). Bitch has been through it all. Drugs, booze, Fosse, Mama Judy... What other human would be able to withstand that?
Obviously, the best part of this event was the people (read: blow) watching and star gazing. It was at the Supper Club so you had your old plump ladies wearing sequined jackets and waiters wearing bolero hats and fake moustaches. Awesome. Here is a list of my sightings:
1. Joan Collins. I saw her in the bathroom and she looked like a corpse with an 80's wig, pink lipstick and too much rouge on her cheeks. One of the best sightings ever. I luv'er.
2. Jane Krakowski. Or, as Ouizer would say, Jane KrakANUS. Eh. She's boring but you have to give it to her for putting up with Calista Flockhart those years. I still think her finest work was as the white trash cousin in 'Vacation.'
3. Rufus Wainwright. Don't have much to say.
4. Alan Cumming. Was with his boyfriend (pretty cute). An Alan Cumming sighting really isn't that big of a deal. HOWEVER, he was talking to these two old BLOWS that eerily resembled and acted like Edina and Patsy from Ab Fab. After about an hour of talking (and three trips to the dessert stand for Edina) the two old BLOWS got up (not that gracefully as they had probably had some valium along with their 10 glasses of wine). Edina was all "Alan, darling, it was great to meet you, please do e-mail me." Priceless.
5. Scott Nevins. BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! (see prior posts by Clairee and M'Lynn explaining why he must die.)
6. David Hyde Pierce. Zzzzzzzzz...
7. John Waters chatting with Parker Posey. It took every fiber of my being to not go up to them and say that 'Female Trouble' and 'Waiting for Guffman' truly changed my life.

And of course, the best one of 'em all.... Miss Liza May herself. The band started playing "New York, New York" and Liza walked in with Tony Danza right behind her (where else would he be?). One of the most comforting sights I've ever seen in my life. I totally felt like I was at the modern day Studio 54 (minus the drugs, sex and Truman Capotayyy.) Now, Liza probably had no idea where she was but that's not the point. The point is, it's Liza and no matter how blown she is, we must always respect and recognize there will NE'ER be another showman like her.

Mandatory Cabinet Outing: March 31

Hey pigfuckers: I have it on good authority that 'Basic Instinct 2' is going to enter the annals of bad film history, that it's bad-good like 'Showgirls' and 'Glitter' were bad-good, that Sharon Stone once again shows off her cooter, and that she is also taking the marketing and promotion of this film deadly serious. So, um, we're going to see it. Opening night. You are all required to attend. In-laws more than welcome.

Love,
M'Lynn

The Whammies bow their heads in silence...

A co-worker just sent me a link (click the title above) to an article announcing that dapper 'Press Your Luck' host Peter Tomarken and his wife were killed in a small plane crash off the coast of California yesterday afternoon. Obviously this is no time for jokes; I just wanted to say that I used to watch the show allllll the time when I was younger, usually during the summers when I literally sat in front of the television staring at USA Network for hours on end because they played non-stop game show reruns. 'Press Your Luck' was always a fun show, and who could deny the power of The Whammy?

Jack Nasty!

Yeahhh, Bitter Jumpoff.

This story's pretty funny. Seems Annie Proulx is still a little sore about "Brokeback Mountain" losing Best Picture, and she's got some choice words for members of the academy.

I Luv'it.

Teri Is So Very...

Let me just begin this post by saying that sexual abuse is no laughing matter and I would not wish it upon anybody—not even a sack of homophobic shit like Fred Phelps. That said, I picked up the new Vanity Fair in which Teri Hatcher reveals her sexual abuse at a young age by an older man. (Sidebar: LOVING the news that George Clooney may have gotten her to finally 'fess up...Jesus H., is he the new mayor of Hollywood or what?!) Okay, fine. If you want to tell the world, your business. And Vanity Fair ain't a bad place to do this.

HOWEVER...and I say this with the full disclosure that I'm a little obsessed with Teri Hatcher (just the idea of Teri sort of makes me giggle): GIRL. WHAT are you doing posing on the front of the magazine with your panties all up in our faces?! And WHY must we be subjected to a full-on shot of your BELLY BUTTON RING on the pages inside?? (Obvious Girls, you've found your patron saint! She also read 'He's Just Not That Into You' on Valentine's Day.)

Oh, Teri. Sweet, sweet Teri. You make it so easy.