Madonna vs. Mariah, Part 432

God what I wouldn't give for this bit of cattiness to be true.

More Heinous Hair

Here are radio rips for two more Xtina songs, Candy Man and Slow Down Baby. I think "Candyman" is an acquired taste but "Slow Down Baby" is undeniably HOT. It's official: I'm in a complete and utter gay panic about this album now. I'm just pissed I have to wait until August!

Supawoman!

Head on over to her myspace profile to check out K-Lo's tainted new single, "Supawoman". Oh well, she loves the gays so I still love 'er.

J to the L-O

I'm still reeling from seeing J.Lo at the Pier Dance.

I have to say, I was shocked to see La Lopez show up as the surprise guest (I heard a ruuuumor that it was gonna be Bananarama. Thank God for small miracles.), but it makes sense. She needs to rebuild her musical career after "Rebirth" fell flat. So she's been Jenny-from-the-Blockin'-it all over NYC's big parades, roping in her fans from the bottom up. First, her boriquas in the Puerto Rican Day Parade, and then her gurls during Gay Pride (click links for more pics).

Aside from minor technical problems with her earpiece, the show went off flawlessly. J.Lo danced her little heart out, proving that she's still the shit.

Homegirl sang:
1. Whatever You Wanna Do
2. MEDLEY:
Waiting For Tonight
Ain't it Funny
Love Don't Cost a Thing
3. Get Right


Thanks Jennifer.
We love you too.

My ears are bleeding

Because of YOU, Cheyenne.

The Demon Barber of 21 Jump Street?

As the resident recovering-show-queen on the cabinet, I feel that it is my duty to report on this news of a Tim Burton directed, Johnny Depp starring movie version of Sweeney Todd. I actually must say, it's perfect! I seriously couldn't dream up a better team to bring one of my favorite musicals of all time to the big screen. I'm not totally convinced Johnny has the singing chops, being that Sweeney is really more an opera than a musical, but he could definitely bring so much to the role.

Who do you think should be Mrs. Lovett? Don't shoot me, and I know she's way too young, but thinking of Hollywood actresses I wouldn't mind seeing Brittany Murphy give it a go. She's definitely off her rocker, so she could pull off the demented popping-pussies-into-pies dark comedic element, and now we know she has some singing ability as well, even if it is super-over-produced (Faster Kill Pussycat, whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? I'm obsessed with that shit...)

Incidentally, if for some ungodly reason you haven't seen the brilliant production currently on Broadway starring Michael Cerveris and Patti LuPone, what the hell are you waiting for? Patti plays the TUBA on stage for God's sake. The second I saw that, I was like, I don't wanna argue about it - just hand her the Tony. But did that happen? NOOOOO. Instead, the Tony voters thought it would be a good idea to vote for a two-bit, dime-a-dozen, obvi-sistah-who-can-sing, LaChanze. Why should I be surprised? This is the same awards show that in 2000 named as Best Musical a show with no live singing and no orchestra. Heinous!

Wyno You Love Me?

There are many things that annoy M'Lynn, who can grow easily testy at the slightest thing (clearly, she was a shoe-in for full Cabinet membership), but few things get me worse than when someone answers the question, 'What kind of music do you like?' with a simple, 'Anything but rap or country.'

Now, I'm not here to delve into why this irks me so, other than to say that it's incredibly myopic and also a clear indicator that said person hasn't tried hard enough to listen to—or at least appreciate—two genres of music that boast inventive writing and a worldview all their own. Which leads me to a confession: Wynonna Judd's 1993 album 'Tell Me Why' is one of my all-time favorites. I know what you're thinking: M'Lynn, really? You want to admit this in public?

Well, actually...um, yes. I do. Wynonna's album came out at a rather important time in M'Lynn's life...my mother had just moved halfway across the country and I was stuck in my dusty lil' country town where, incidentally, country music was not just a favorite pastime but a complete and total way of life for the local farm kids. It's filled with really well-written, heartfelt music, and that's no surprise given that it was her first album after Mama Judd announced her battle with hepatitis C. (Special shout-out to Shelby: Remember the night she announced this? Remember who told you the news? Yeah, you do. It was a little someone named Mary Hart.) And I distinctly remember a gawky redheaded girl from Missouri who was in my orientation group during my first days of college back in the mid-'90s. She announced that her two obsessions in life were Wynonna Judd and the TV show 'Wings.' She also wore tapered, peach-colored cotton pants. She was fierce in all of the wrong ways.

All of this is to say that Wynonna's recent resurgence as host of 'Nashville Star,' in commercials, and on talk shows has me tickled flaming red, the same color as her awesomely huge hair. Is it just me, or does Wy have future Dolly potential? I mean, she is clearly half-drag queen. (She could probably give Jackie Beat a run for her money.) The woman is a frickin' house but she works it hard when she's in front of a camera or on a stage. It would be so awesome if she'd help, say, lead a gay pride parade with the dykes on bikes or something. (You know she'd fit right in!) Plus she has a drunk driving arrest on her record! Who wouldn't want to knock back a few Jameson and sodas with this one?!

And while you're at it, Lord...

...silence this one, too. Just because VH1 shoves her down my throat every single quaking second of my day doesn't mean that I have to accept it.

Not so Keane on them...

Please, dear Lord, make them stop.

No Pride Goeth Before the Fall...

Every year, some self-hating schmuck (who usually happens to be a close friend of M'Lynn's) has to go out of their way to remind me how much they don't like the annual Gay and Lesbian Pride extravaganza here in New York City, the biggest of its kind in the world and the most important for simple geographical reasons. And every year, I find myself wondering, 'Schmucky friend of mine, if you hate Pride so much, then perhaps it would be a wise decision for you to a.) shut the fuck up about it, and b.) stay home or leave town all weekend so that you're not spreading your negative energy throughout the heavily trafficked streets of Manhattan.'

I take great umbrage at self-identified gays and lesbians who go out of their way to dis Pride, to call it a big mass-marketed commercial event, to vocally express their displeasure with the entire weekend, to remind me—even when I don't ask—that they don't DO Pride because it's all touristy and overpriced. Well, you know what? It is touristy, overpriced, overhyped, and exhausting. But so are Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve, St. Patrick's Day, and Halloween, and I don't see that stopping anybody. Rather than criticizing a ginormous celebration of our brother- and sisterhood, our diversity and our important place in the local and global community, maybe these folks should stop for a minute and think, 'Gee, I sure am thankful that some overheated queens angry about Judy Garland's death finally blew it out back in June of 1969, because if they hadn't, I may not have been able to call myself a gay person and live to see another day.'

I go to a Pride celebration every year both out of a sense of loyalty and a sense of duty—not to mention a sense of oh-Jezus-this-is-gonna-be-a-memorable-BLOW! I do it for the generations before me who had no voice, and the generation that found its voice, only to have it significantly lowered by AIDS just a decade later. I go for the inexplicably giddy feeling that I get when I walk around the West Village in a tank top with hordes of fellow gays and lesbians and our extended family of supporters and I think to myself, 'It doesn't get much better than this.' And I go, of course, because there are tons of shirtless hotties running amok, and since when would M'Lynn pass up an opportunity to freely ogle THAT on an early summer's day?

Pride is important, vital, and positive. It is a celebration and a protest, all wrapped up in a big ol' rainbow flag.

I'm sad for those who fail to recognize this.

Why are you STILL in my face?

If you are a Katharine McPhee hater like I am, click on the title of this post and prepare to be extremely annoyed. Bitch is desperately trying to get some press by saying she used to be bulimic. Yeah, you and every other obvious girl out there, McPheeeee. Seriously, nobody cares. Take your faux humility, your senior citizen boyfriend and your perfectly coifed hair (okay, THAT I'm jealous of) and just get out of my face.

Ouizer Must Be Getting Old

Alright, I will finally admit it in print. I have been harboring a secret sick obsession with the blog GAYZOFOURLIVES (click on the title above for the link) for weeks now. It is the ultimate in insipid faggotry gone amok. Yet I simply can't get enough. Do I subconsciously yearn for a VIP pass to their C-list fashion parties and impromptu photo shoots? Yes, probably. Do I gape in wonder as they stand posing for hours in the corner of a bar in oversized belts, sunglasses and handbags? Yes, most definitely. Am I one of them at heart? No, I don't think so. It hit me most ironically after reading the following:

Junior Vasquez says that Kevin Aviance WILL perform at the Pier Dance! We might not know our audience that well BUT: Do people really go to the pier dance?



Everyone knows I am not a big Junior fan and I also shudder at the thought of Kevin Aviance doing yet another Pier Dance (the last time he 'performed' Donna Summer's "MacArthur Park" i was also wearing my Donna Summer homage outfit. When he smeared the cake left out on the rain all over himself I almost started to cry.). But no one's gonna diss my Pier Dance and get away with it (and yes, Pier Dance is capitalized; it's the Cabinet's Gay Christmas and one of our few mandatory Cabinet full-attendee events). We may be 62 and in full-body casts but we will still be there all together. And you can take all of my Bruno Magli belts, Armani sunglasses and Prada handbags away, but I wouldn't trade the Pier Dance for the world. See you on Sunday!

Bleekosity!

Yeeeaaahhh, "Second-Skin Yellow Minidress".
Nice.

BTW, have you guys checked out Mariah's Hilarious ringtones? Go here and scroll down about half the page. There you'll see a list where you can just click and listen (no downloads needed).

because he loves pussy!

Now Jeff Paulus says he's sorry for outing The Gayken.

(he must need some publicity for a new porn or something. Heinous!)

"I AM smiling!"

What a gift!
The former Mr. Liza is getting sued for sexually harassing his ex-male-employee.

"David A. Gest made sexual comments, touched plaintiff in a sexual nature, wrote sexual comments in plaintiff's calendar, paid another employee to touch plaintiff," Beyer, 35, wrote in a complaint he filed himself.

WORK!

Okay, so I saw that the Kevin Aviance drama had hit

a national magazine (Entertainment Weekly),

and then I keep seeing this poster around town,

and all I can think of is RuPaul,

shaking his fists in the air and screaming,

"Damn you Kevin!!! Why couldn't it have been MEEEE! WHY!!!".

Just a thought.

ain't not other, ain't ain't no other...

Outrageous.

MTV is airing a "Making The Video" for both

Ashtray and Heinous Hair's new singles this week.

Check your local listings.

Are You OK In There???

Dear Queen Bee,

Just thought I'd shout you out since I ain't heard a peep in nearly three months! You OK in there??? I hope the girls are still being nice to you and singing your songs at karaoke night at the prison. And I hope you feel the love that we are sending you from the outside world.

That's why I'm writing today. When you getting out!? I thought they might let you out early since you haven't been causing mad drama up in there. Honestly, I thought you'd crack being in there with all those stank Pennsylvania bitches for so long. They should be impressed you haven't caused a riot yet.

My gurl Deon was out on Fire Island with me last weekend and she was giving you props in her Marc Jacobs Luvs Lil Kim tank top. I was SO jealous but I'm looking for one on eBay and I hope I can wear it for Pride next weekend. Unless of course you can call up Marc and see if he can send me one at the office. : )

Anyway, I hope to hear from you SOON and by the way, what happened with Countdown to Lockdown on BET? Did Foxy's crew come in and steal the master tapes!!?? They played it like one time and then I never saw it again! Blown. You need to get on that. And you need to get on your MARKETING team cause they releasin shit and NO ONE knows about it. See! We need you out here.

xoxoxoxo,

Your #1 Fan Ouizer

P.S. Party at my place when you get out!!! Only five minutes from your nail salon.

Studdard's Fingerhuttin' Manager

If there was any doubt before, it's official: No-Name Studdard is now well on his way to a Behind the Music. Quick launch to fame? Check. Just as fast fall from grace? Check. Money grubbing manager? Check. Weight struggles? Check. We just need a nasty drug problem and perhaps a felony and we'll be all set!

Um........

Haneous!

No, Certainly Not

M'Lynn and I stopped by the Virgin Megastore last night so that I could get Lil' Kim's new dance remix EP, but of course it was nowhere to be found because her marketing team is a disaster. Instead...we were accosted by this hideous sight:


Do you make me proud, Taylor Hicks? NO, certainly not. When you won the Miss America...er American Idol title, the first thing I thought was, "Jezus Kuyst, HOW am I going to explain this to all of my European friends???" You are so heinous, you don't even deserve the proper spelling of my favorite word. Henceforth, you shall be referred to as HANEOUS. (If you are wondering where haneous came from, one day I was bored and decided to google heinous. When the search results came up, Google asked me "Did you mean haneous?" No, Google, I did not mean haneous. I think I can spell my own favorite word. But props to you for instituting a new derivation into my lexicon. Henceforth, haneous shall mean something SO heinous that it doesn't even deserve the correct spelling.) Yeeeeaaaaah.

Fight the Power!

I can't even believe none of us have blogged about this yet! I was reading am New York this morning on the bus and completely lost my shit when I saw the picture of Daryl Hannah getting pulled down from a tree after trying to save a green space in L.A. Not that her intentions aren't noble, but she was already kind of a running joke in the cabinet (what is it again? Something about her doing the worm at a party? Help me out here....).

I always have these inappropriate reactions on public transport. A couple of weeks ago I was on a flight with my cabinet-approved In Touch, flipped the page, and lo and behold this:


Why do they make it so easy for us?

There will ne'er be another like it

M'Lynn and I talk about this from time to time and I just felt the urge to post...
Unsolved Mysteries (NBC 1987-2002) was one of the best shows ever. I'm so happy that Lifetime plays reruns. I need to start DVR'ing that shit. When I was younger, I'd watch it on prime time and have the remote control in my hand ready to change the channel just in case it got too scary. Seriously, this show was CREEEEPY jumpoff. I mean Robert Stack's voice and that weird theme music - - oh my god, totes frightfest. I loved the way they would introduce segments... I'd get so excited when it was "Wanted" or "The Unexplained." I hated the "Lost Loves" ones though - too boring.
The best part of that show was when they would finish a segment and then the big red letters saying "UPDATE" would flash on the screen with that upbeat music. Nothing like it.

Poor Piggy

I know this may be hard to believe, but I am starting to feel bad for Fat Piggy Boiling In The Bath. I know she's heinous, but she has really gotten herself into a bind this time. The people at The View told her to pack up her wigs and her eyelashes and take a hike, and to drive the nail into the coffin, they hired archenemy Rosie O'Lesbo to take up the obligatory big girl's seat. It seems like the blood, sweat and tears of hard work at pilates was for naught. Putting half a dinner of grilled chicken and salad in a doggie bag as part of "portion control" seems to have totes been a waste. "Wasting away," said the producers of The View. "We need a woman with some meat on her bones, like Rosie O'Lesbo."

Meanwhile, I don't see or hear her taunting me with "Got BOGO on the brain???" on the Payless ads anymore, so that source of revenue seems to have dried up, too. I know that WE: Women's Entertainment offered to let her host Bridezillas, but I don't think Piggy likes that idea very much. She isn't peddling crappo casual wear or jewelry on ShopNBC, and I'm sure the bills from Miss Al's birthday party tonight can't be cheap.

I think, really, all she has left is that poor dog of hers, Pinkie. Now, I found it annoying that Paris brought her little rat dog Tinkerbell out everywhere with her. And I don't really care that Jessica's dog Daisy likes to travel in Louis Vuitton while Trashlee's dog likes to travel in Uggs (source: the ever trusty IN TOUCH!). And I can say that, without doubt, I am sure Pinkie does not like to be subjected to antics like Piggy cackling maniacally in front of the camera on the red carpet while clutching her like a new fur shrug. Never mind Poor Piggy...Poor Pinkie.



P.S. WHAT is that drawing on the boards behind Piggy and Pinkie? Is that someone shaking an oven stuffer or are my eyes deceiving me?

Some Things Never Change

Yeeeeaaaah!














I often wonder what it would have been like to have met friends (and enemies) earlier in life. Would we have still gotten along? Would we be playing with Jem dolls together or would we be enemies because of a fight over prom queen Debbie Gibson vs. mallrat Tiffany? (By the way, I always side with the prom queens, be it Debbie or Gwyny or Hilary Duff or Nancy Kerrigan. Prom queens stick together and protect each other.)

I think I've developed very strong bonds with my friends because we share the same sick obsession with ridiculous pop culture trivia and iconic female artists with a lot of personality. So it was like having a flashback to middle school when I read the user comments to Madonna's Immaculate Collection DVD on Netflix last night. I imagine this might have been me and M'Lynn back in sixth grade:

Thorwald (M'Lynn)
4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.
While not including every hit song and video of Madonna's 80's output, this is a solid collection any true fan would own, which I do. Followed by second anthology with her 90's hit videos, which is equally essential for any fan. The only thing lacking, besides not being comprehensive, are extra bonus materials. It is great they do include the MTV Vogue performance with Madonna in her Elizabethan attire, which easily ranks among her very best and creative live performances.

Ogre (Ouizer)
3 out of 4 people found this review helpful.
Videos for 11 of the 17 songs on the album of the same title: besides those listed, includes "Open Your Heart", "La Isla Bonita" and "Express Yourself" -- but, to my disappointment, not "Justify My Love" which was deemed too racy for MTV. The stage version of "Vogue" is in 18th century garb, not Elizabethan (16th century) as another reviewer says.

I think we still would have been saying "Heinous!" to each other in between language arts and social studies. Yeeeeeeaaaaaah...

There's Nowhere I'd Rather Be, Than Here with All of You

First off, to all of my fans, I'd like to say I've missed you all. Ouizer needed to take a little hiatus from Shelby and do some spring cleaning, but I am back to let you know that, tonight, there's nowhere I'd rather be, than here with all of YOU. And no...I wasn't mad at you, I was mad at the dirt. Now, on to some long overdue posting!

If you bitches haven't gotten a chance to see the MOMMIE DEAREST: HOLLYWOOD ROYALTY EDITION, you are in for a treat! The film looks much better in this restored version, and there are three nice little bonus features - including some deleted footage! - that catch up with most of the main cast. Of course, Miss Dunaway is nowhere to be found, but that was to be expected. "And I don't want to talk about that MOMMIE DEAREST movie, I'll say maybe one thing!"

Since MOMMIE DEAREST is such a treasure trove of great material, it seems like most of us in the Cabinet have homed in on one scene that best captures our cracked personalities. For me, of course, there are two. On good days when I'm ready to jump, it's the scene where I (I mean Joan/Faye) descend down the grand staircase in my silvery finest with the rotting plate of rare meat. On bad days (and this is more fun, actually), it's me wreaking havoc on the roses muttering "Hollywood ROYALTY! Box office POISON!" Hell, even on good days that's me. Which of the many faces of crazy, dear fans, are you?

oh, Hell to the NO!

Kevin Aviance was the victim of a hate crime this past Saturday. Poor guy got beat down near Union Square. Luckily cops nabbed the bastards and they are currently rotting in jail.

touched for the very first time

Get ready for Logo's Madonna-thon.

On June 24th (just in time for NYC's Gay Pride weekend), Logo will be playing Her Madgesty's movies and videos all day long. Then at 8pm, they will air "The Click List: Madonna", showcasing her top ten videos of all-time, voted on by viewers.

Yeahhh, I felt guilty not voting for "Into the Groove" or "Take a Bow", but ultimately had to go for the sexy simplicity of "Lucky Star".

'...Groove' is what made me wanna move to NYC in the first place, because I wanted to go clubbin' just like Madonna. To this day, I can't help but turn a bathroom hand-dryer up to achieve that instant wind-machine look. I also blame this song for making me gay. My earliest gay memory is me blowing out to it in my brothers car.

'...Bow' re-ignited my love for Madge after her (at the time) tacky dominatrix phase (ps... now I appreciate that bizz). I think it's beautifully shot and very iconic.

I have to say "Lucky Star" is my favorite because it looks like she's having so much fun filming it. It has a tongue-in-cheek flirtatiousness about it that I so closely identify with. I remember just being mesmerized watching it on Friday Night Videos, soaking in every move, every jump, every look into the camera. My cousin Missy and I used to re-inact all of her early videos (because we were SO gonna be popstars), and this was mos def my fave to perform.

Goodtimes. Vote for your favorite here.

paging Mr. Herman... Mr. Herman.

YES! Adult Swim has picked up "Pee-wee's Playhouse" and they're going to air all 45 episodes beginning July 10th. Mr. Herman was such an influential part of my childhood. I was fully obsessed with 'Playhouse' in it's heyday, and I must've watched "Pee-wee's Big Adventure" a thousand times. Actually, I think the first bit of 'ography I ever learned was Pee-wee dancing to "Tequila" (well, that and rolling around on the floor like "Lucky Star").

Goodtimes.

An open letter to Mother Nature

Look, bitch:

I'm tired of walking through puddles, fighting with my umbrella while it whips about due to the wind, and throwing on jackboots just so I can walk from the subway stop to the front door of my office building without soaking my feet like pickles. It's early June, and it's cold, wet, and windy outside. This is bullshit. I'm going to the beach for the first time this weekend, and the rest of the Cabinet will be sailing around Manhattan on a cruise ship. For everybody's sake, I implore you: Knock it off!!

xoxo
M'Lynn

Think Pink!

Oh dear. These pictures of Teri Hatcher (with Cuba Gooding, Jr?!) at the Laureus World Sports Awards (?!) really need no further introduction...

Here is a link to some more if you can stomach it.

I'm a STAR!

Apparently they're not just crazy about cheerleading in Texas. Even a school play can make a young girl...mad enough to KILL?

The Herald Sun reports:

"A Texas teenager has been charged with trying to serve a poisoned drink to a fellow student so she could perform in the school play.

Katherine Smith, 18, had told her family she was the play's star, but she was an understudy.

Smith is believe to have brought a vial of bleach to school and poured some into a bottle of Mountain Dew, which she gave to the lead actor. But the bottle smelled of bleach and the girl took it to a teacher, who called police."

Can't wait for the TV movie-of-the-week. In my gay fantasy, I'd cast Duff as the lead and Blowhan as the understudy.

Enough

This literally turns my stomach. What offends me the most is not the opposition to gay marriage itself, but the fact this constitutional amendment bullshit is merely a tactic to scrape around votes at a time of low popularity for the party. It's completely transparent and beyond despicable. I'm just so sick and tired. I'm curious when we the people are going to reach our tipping point - not just on this issue but with the whole mess of problems at hand. I mean, there's only so much people can sit down and be expected to sit and swallow - right?

Sorry for the stating-the-obvious political rant...back to my In Touch..."La La La...everything's GREAT!"

Hot.

Yay! Yes, I know her new single is totes over-the-top. But I am still all aflutter about Xtina's appearance at the 2006 MTV movie awards - airing this June 8, 2006 at 9pm. Click here for more pictures from her jump.

Jamie Lee Curtis is a man...

In case you were bad gurls this week and didn't pick up your HX, here is a link to their preposterous interview with Janice Dickinson. Iluvit.

they heard I was good, they wanna see if it's true

Nineteen year old Cassie is Bad Boy's next big thing (Aubrey who?*).

With comparisons to Aaliyah,

dancer turned model turned would-be popstar,

Cassie's "Me & U" is gearing up to be this summer's big hit.

I caught her on TRL the other day and she seems like a cool chick.

She has a cute laidback vibe, and her video is pretty dope.

I hope for big things in the future.

Check out her profile on MTV.Com.

~

ps... *incidentally, MTB3Season3 debuts June 15th. Don't even talk about.

workin' girls

"The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency" premieres on
Oxygen, Tuesday @ 10pm
"The Simple Life 4" premieres on E!, Sunday @ 10pm

in his gallery

Check out the video for Mario Vasquez's first single "Gallery".

It's horrible, but not exactly a trainwreck

(sorta on par with the song itself).

BTW, I actually heard this song on KTU the other day,

so maybe this guy has a chance.

I dunno, he hasn't proved himself to me yet,

but I like his voice and I still think he's cute

(and I'm pretty sure he's gay),

soooo that's reason enough for me to keep rooting for him.

Go Mario!

beat of my heart

Don't miss the documentary
"My Name is Jackie Beat" at NewFest 2006 (the NYC LGBT film festival).

"Notorious bad girl drag performer Jackie Beat is center stage in this revealing portrait of an artist and his creation. You know Jackie Beat, but now meet Kent Fuher, the man behind the make-up, wig, and fabulous outfits – a talented and devilishly funny performer whose life is ruled by constant insecurities..."

Goodtimes.

I love this bitch.