The face of botox...

Oh my lord, scary!!! What the hell is wrong with Heidi Fleiss' face??? She looks like those scary upper east side women that I see up in my 'hood, face tied around the back of the head.

Anyway, check out this story. Ya gotta love this blow for stretching the hell out of her 15 minutes. You can tell she tooooooootally loves the attention, negative as it may be. I honestly don't think she even minded going to prison, as long as people were talking about her.

Incidentally, does anyone remember when she was shooting that horrible indie movie with that ugly, zitty perma-frown girl from Bravo's "Showbiz Moms and Dads"? Ya can't GYIT better television than that, I say...

Why the gays should love Cathy Dennis

You all know I have been harping on this for awhile, but let's look at the facts:

1). You presented us with late 80's pop gem "Touch Me (All Night Long)

2). You wrote Britty's "Toxic" which we blew out to for like a solid year

3). You have written for other super gay artists such as: Emma Bunton (aka Baby Spice), Janet Jackson, Kelly Clarkson, Celine Dion, Kylie and Dannii Minogue

4). Yours is the voice in the theme song to American Idol (uh, uh, oh, ooo woh oo woh ooo...)

What more could you ask for, people? Give this woman a GLAAD media award, already! :-)

Things I Never Wanted to See (No. 1 in a Series)

Um, I saw this episode on Monday, and Oprah literally asked one of her guests, 'Now, what is barebacking?' I'm still scarred.

You too can look like a brainless idiot

Check this ish out...the website Emitations (www.emitations.com, and no, I can't link to it because my work computer is a BLOWOUT MAC...) has a cubic zirconia imitation of Paris Hilton's engagement ring from that short-lived stint with the hottie Greek shipping heir! Just in case you want to announce to the world that your hero is a no-talent bimbo with approximately one facial expression.

I can't bear it...

I didn't sleep so well last night, and the first thing I saw online when I got up this morning at the ungodly hour of 6:45 a.m. was this depressing news. I know we spend a lot of time on this blog being cynical and jaded and rather angry (Why, I NEVER, Miss Clairee!), but I have nothin' but love for the Berenstain Bears books. I always loved how they wrapped up their tidy little stories with a nice moral, and I thought they were kinda the perfect nuclear family, something that I didn't really have as a kid. (The Saturday morning cartoon was a trip, too!) I know, I know--it's hard to believe that I spent my childhood doing something other than watching game shows and 'The Golden Girls,' but I used to curl up with my BB books all the time. And what's more, they lived in the coolest treehouse EVER--far better than that shack where the Keebler elves were getting all shag-nasty with one another.

Fanning the Flames of our Faggotry, Dahhhling!

It's no secret that The Cabinet loves Dakota Fanning, and for so many disparate reasons. She's young. She's weird. She flaunts her braces. She is, at heart, a 40-year-old woman and the consummate talk show guest, a Hollywood child-robot who can deliver zingers with the best of 'em. She may even be Beelzebub himself. And tonight, she knits with Baba Wawa on Miss Thang's annual Ten Most Fascinating People of 2005 special. (GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE TERI HATCHER BLOW IT OUT AND TALK ABOUT HOW SHE WAS A NO-NAME DOING RADIO SHACK COMMERCIALS WITH HOWIE LONG JUST A FEW YEARS AGO!)

Dakota, we raise a sippy cup of apple juice (spiked, of course) in your honor. May you provide us with laughter and tears and completely creeped-out inner feelings for decades to come.

(PS: When you turn 21, we'll gladly take you to the gay bar of your choice, get you wasted, and ask you to giggle maniacally every twenty seconds. And the tab's on us, baby!)

Remember Me?

I'm half of MTV's Rich Girls, and I rocked the perma-frown, baby fat, and snotty attitude. Long live Jaime Gleicher!!! (p.s...LOVE the outfit!)

Why Are You Famous, Bai Ling?

I don't think I even have anything to add here.

Thanksgiving = Bulimia Jumpoff

I'd like to tell you that I didn't spend Thanksgiving ultimately on all fours praying to the porcelein God, but I would be lying. Once again, I decided it would be a good idea to consume as much turkey and stuffing as possible, then inhale THREE desserts - all while consuming as many Manhattans as possible. Recipe for success? You bet! Since this is the second year in a row this has happened, I've decided to make it an annual tradition. I mean, what better way to celebrate an American Thanksgiving than over-the-top consumption and waste? Bulimia jumpoff! Who's with me? Shelby - I know you are! (speaking of - did you know Yeardley Smith aka Lisa Simpson was bulimic? I totally didn't know and just heard about this recently...)

Six-Dog Mauling!

M'Lynn IM'd me this story yesterday and I had to share, since it is like the mother of all dog maulings (incidentally, we're pretty much convinced that we're going to die by a dog mauling, given our level of sick fascination with these stories). Personally, if I were to be mauled and had my choice, I'd prefer for it to be an enormous wildcat. I'd be like, "cool!" right as she slashed open my throat. What would your preference be? Croc? Shark? Pterodactyl?

Forget Nick and Jessica

A.J. and Jamie Lynn DiScala separated and nobody even cared. Okay, it's because they are totes no-names but, still...
This news made me very happy. A.J. is one of the creepiest guys I've ever seen. Blechgh! From the looks of him he was probably a big ol' domestic violence jumpoff. I am so happy that we have Jamie Lynn SIGLER back so she could show up alone to the opening of ANYTHING and make more great pop hits like "Crybaby" (who remembers that gem??)

Flapper Disco Chic

The next time we are at The Roxy, I WILL be wearing one of these ensembles. Outrageous.

50 Cent doesn't care about black people

Further proof that 50 Cent is a card carrying member of the dumbass society.

He thinks George Bush is "gangsta", and would have voted for him if it weren't for that darned felony he commited way back when.

Suddenly, I think that 'felony = no voting rights' just might be a good law afterall.

You ain't nuthin' but a hound dog!

Congrats Maddy!
Madonna ties with Elvis for
Top 10 singles chart record.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!

He said/He said:
No way Ouizer!
Just check out the differences between OLD, boring, stuffy Mariah of Thanksgiving 1993
vs
the Young, Hip, and Happening Mariah of today.
I'd say there is no contest as to who is the most entertaining performer here. (:

Mimi, PLEASE Tone It Down!

Truvy, you are supposed to report on all matters Mimi, but since you haven't I feel it my worldly duty to share this outfit with the world. This is the getup Mariah decided to wear on Thanksgiving for her football game halftime appearance (don't ask me who was playing - I thought it was the Superbowl but apparently that happens in a few months.) Mimi, I LOVE YOU, but outfits like this are just, well, tactless. I can't stop looking at the shoe-sock combo because it's just about the most HEINOUS thing I've ever seen. Listen very carefully, you are NOT twelve years old anymore! And if you were twelve, I would still tell you that this outfit is heinous! Please please please rekindle your relationship with Andre Leon-Anus. Please.

wax on, wax off

awww.... Pat Morita died on Thanksgiving, in his home, of natural causes (meaning: his wife poisoned him).

Peace Out Mr. Miyagi!

Miss Seventeen

Kelly on the Jan. '06 issue of Seventeen


This is her new cutie BF, Graham Colton.

life in the fish bowl

Britney shopping in Malibu.

I imagine there's a gaggle of gay kids in aisle 10, stalking her. I know I would be.

You have some beautiful ankles.

Check this bizz out!

The Fulla Doll has become the top selling toy in the Middle East and Africa. It's their alternative to Barbie, and it promotes traditional muslim values.

.

.

.

HOT!

I want one.

She can play dress-up with my new Mariah Doll!

Mary Jane

Mary showed up looking Fab this morning on

the Today Show...... and proceeded to blow her tits off...
..only to have Death show up

and try to take her soul!!!
Run, Mary, RUN!!!

Your Love For Me Will Grow...

So it looks like I won't have to hex Carrie Underwood after all (at least not yet), as Billboard today made the official announcement that Madonna has the #1 album in the country for Thanksgiving. Woohoo!!! Thanks to everyone for all of your support - you successfully prevented me from having a nervous breakdown. I strutted down the street to work in all of my "Hung Up" glee - I even did two quick Roxy twirls when I thought no one was paying attention!

whoa-O! HA!

From the set of Ashtray's new video for "L.O.V.E."


hahahaha!
such an asshole!
I L.O.V.E. It!
Seal of Approval from the Truvster.

Mariah AMA's Recap

First... Stole Madonna's Idea!
Then Madonna hexed her and she had technical problems!
"Hex all you want Biatch! Mimi don't sho' if Mimi don't win sumthin', okaaaay!"
After trumping Madonna's hex, Mariah tries to 'out-boobie jumpoff' Janet.

A bystander looks on in disgust.

luvsit.

heading to the chapel

"I'm getting married!"

"I'm getting married!"

Britty Peers

Hot.
more pics of Britney at a NYC Nail Salon Nov 18th.

Galaxy of Emptiness...

Yikes! I just had to post this picture because it's so scary! This is a pic of first lady/robot Laura Bush this week trying her hand at calligraphy in Kyoto. Now, when Halle Berry gave her infamous and ultimately humiliating "I am a vessel" 2002 Best Actress speech (no, you're not Halle, you're Catwoman), I scoffed and thought she was full of shit. However, if this woman made that same statement, I would be all ears. I say this because this creature is clearly a blank slate. An empty canvas. A drugged mule. I don't care what you say, there is zip goin' on behind those eyes. I mean, look at her! Scary! She and Dakota Fanning need to get together and scare the living shit out of me...

Bono is a Megalomaniac

Check this shit out. Could this man have more of a Jesus complex? On a break from saving the world in sunglasses (thanks for dressin' up) and singing crappy music that all sounds alike, he actually mentioned that he thinks his music will still be around in 100 years, saying that his songs occupy "an emotional terrain that didn't exist before our group did." Yeah, because no one prior to the 1980's thought of expressing themselves emotionally via music. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh...suck a fat one! Let me just say one thing... if people are still listening to that p.o.s. song "Vertigo" 100 years from now, we might as well just blow ourselves up right now, and I volunteer to light the wick...

Pro-Life Jumpoff

Well, we already knew Patty Heaton was a big American-flag-wavin' Republican, but here is some further fuel for the fire. She didn't say it, but my favorite quote in this article is from actor Patrick Warburton:

"California law currently allows someone other than a parent to take a child, a girl as young as 12 years of age, to go and get an abortion without the parents knowing anything about this. This means that your neighbor, a teacher, an older boyfriend, a sexual predator - can legally take your 12 year-old daughter to go and get an abortion, a secret, confidential abortion."

Huh? Sexual predator? "Cm' ere little girl, get in the car...I've got some candy for you and I want to take you to get a secret, confidential abortion..." I don't get it! Patrick, THINK what you say before you say it!

Speaking of abortions (there's a lovely statement), I just bought/saw the newest Todd Solanz film Palindromes. As most of you know, I am obsessed with Todd Solanz films, including the brilliant "Welcome to the Dollhouse" and "Happiness". This particular film is about a 13-year old girl named Aviva who wants to have a baby so she can always have someone to love. I won't give anything else away, but suffice to say it is completely sick and twisted, and likewise I loved it. Check it out - you won't be disappointed!

p.s. Patty Heaton - your show sucked ass and nobody likes you...

Fun with TomKat & Photoshop...

I'm not mad at you, Apple, I'm mad at the dirt!!!

As if we needed ANOTHER reason to hate and mock sourpuss Gwyneth Paltrow, but lo and behold, she delivers again! Is Gwyneth Paltrow germaphobic? Rumor has it that she was already germ-obsessed prior to the birth of her demon-spawn Apple, but now that she has the baby to freak out about as well, she demands guests use anti-bacterial soap before touching the baby. Smart idea, Gwynnie. Because it's not like the human body ever comes in contact with germs. And since your baby's immune system will never learn how to deal with them, next thing you know you're taking Apple for a stroll and it's demonhead explodes. Blah! She sucks!

superstar

I heard "Gone" on Z100 today. Seems Kell Bells is going for single #5, an outstanding feat for a pop artist.

Congrats Kelly. Can't wait for the video.

Lacroix. Baby spew. Lacroix! Baby spew!

"Eddie, what is that you're wearing?"

"it's Lacroix."

"...it's fabulous."

If it's good enough for Edina, it's good enough for Xtina. Luvsit.

Why Are You Famous, Kimberley?

Why won't Kimberley Stewart just GO AWAY? First of all, she is ugly both inside and out. Second, she is famous only for being the daughter of a rock star, and for being friends with an heiress who herself is famous only for being famous. Third, look at this picture. She has MAN HANDS, baby! And now apparently she wants us to swallow the fact that she is engaged to Talan Torriero of Laguna Beach. Sure, like that isn't some stupid stunt cooked up by their publicists to try and strech out the shelf life on these Z-listers for a few more minutes. Well guess what? Nobody cares! Although, it did inspire this blog posting, and most likely it will be featured in Star, In Touch, and Us Weekly...so huh, whattaya know...guess it worked!

Gorgyles!!! Heinous!!!

Just when I thought things couldn't get any funnier with this whole God Warrior story, some blow with too much time on his hands has created a Bobblehead of her that is currently going for $760.00 on Ebay! Damn, if only I had been creative enough to think of that. Make sure you scroll down to see the pic of God Warrior in the nativity manger warding off the gorgyle! Now, if only they had ringtones that screamed "Tainted!!! Heinous!!!" I'd be a happy gurl.

BlowingOutTheCharts@ MoveOverPussycatBitches

There's no such thing as too many posts about Madonna, so I'll share the good news that in its fourth week on the Hot 100 charts, her lead single 'Hung Up' has rebounded and is at No. 14 this week. Ouizer and I have been very concerned about its recent drop on the charts--it entered at No. 20 and promptly FELL thanks to stupid songs by 18,000 rappers collaborating--but it's back this week.

Incidentally, I watched a clip from AM Pop this morning on my computer re: the release of Confessions, and it only justified my massive loathing of that horrid Soledad O'Brien. She had the gall to call Madonna's last album 'deadly,' 'bad,' and 'a waste of 15 dollars.' Yeah, Soledad, I'd like to see your saggy ass get into a pair of leotards and turn it out...and not only that, but you keep your unwanted and unnecessary opinions to yourself! Nobody wants to hear it.

Lisa was ROBBED

I know most people are boycotting America's Next Top Model this season. Believe me, after the snoozefest that was Naima's win (and subsequent LAME CoverGirl commericals) I was ready to throw in the towel as well. Of course, I didn't and have watched every episode this season.
Is anybody else irate at last night's episode? It wasn't Lisa's time to go. Sure, she had "crazy eyes," wasn't very pretty, wasn't graceful and probably smells of piss and cigarettes BUT the bitch was entertaining. She knew she had 15 minutes of fame and did whatever she had to do to get attention. You may not like her but you gotta give her credit for craving attention -- something The Cabinet always endorses.
I tip my foh-tee to you, Lisa.
P.S. I want to gouge Jayla's eyes out with an ice pick.