Fanning the Flames of our Faggotry, Dahhhling!

It's no secret that The Cabinet loves Dakota Fanning, and for so many disparate reasons. She's young. She's weird. She flaunts her braces. She is, at heart, a 40-year-old woman and the consummate talk show guest, a Hollywood child-robot who can deliver zingers with the best of 'em. She may even be Beelzebub himself. And tonight, she knits with Baba Wawa on Miss Thang's annual Ten Most Fascinating People of 2005 special. (GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE TERI HATCHER BLOW IT OUT AND TALK ABOUT HOW SHE WAS A NO-NAME DOING RADIO SHACK COMMERCIALS WITH HOWIE LONG JUST A FEW YEARS AGO!)

Dakota, we raise a sippy cup of apple juice (spiked, of course) in your honor. May you provide us with laughter and tears and completely creeped-out inner feelings for decades to come.

(PS: When you turn 21, we'll gladly take you to the gay bar of your choice, get you wasted, and ask you to giggle maniacally every twenty seconds. And the tab's on us, baby!)