I'm Addicted to You...

So, Truvy and I schlepped it all the way out to Jones Beach Theater (or as Truvy dubbed it, Jones BLEAK Theater) last night to represent the Cabinet at Kelly Clarkson’s Addicted Tour. I will now attempt to relive the experience for you all…

The evening began at Penn Station, where I awaited Truvy in what looked to be the storm of the century. At this point, I wasn’t sure whether there was going to be a concert at all, let alone Earth (it was only later we would hear that actual freakin’ torandos had touched down nearby). Once Truvy arrived at the appointed hour, we hopped onto the LIRR, then made a transfer out in Bleaksville, Long Island to a fag-and-hag-filled Long Island bus. Our bus driver was completely insane, careening towards Jones Beach at mach-speed, to the point that you could feel the wheels almost tipping up on the turns. I shared with Truvy my theory that our driver was either the former Staten Island Ferry operator or Dr. Nicholas Bartha. Clearly someone with malicious intent.

By the time we stepped off the bus, the rain had completely stopped. Once again, evidence that Mother Nature is a big, black and beautiful drag queen. In the parking lot, we passed by a mini-stage set up for “Kellyoke”. And yet, as much fun as it might have been to sing an off-key rendition of “Since U Been Gone” in the middle of a Long Island parking lot, we decided to make our way into the theater. Although not before passing row after row of tailgaters, people with folding tables set up covered with meat-filled casseroles and Natty Light beer cans. Once again, evidence that people in Long Island lead boring, empty lives.

Once inside the theater and traveling to our seats, we were able to survey the audience demographic for the first time. We discovered that Kelly Clarkson in Jones Beach attracts roughly 40% Long Island families with young children, 40% large groups of raging tween girls, and 20% fags and hags (obviously our contingency were the gays from Manhattan, because who but the gays are stupid enough to go to Jones Beach via train/bus on a rainy Wednesday night? I mean honestly).

The opening act, some Hell-A band called Rooney, is not worth mentioning here as their music made my ears almost start bleeding.

Following that travesty, the concert began with the lights dimming and AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” blasting through the speakers at full volume (Eek). Following THAT travesty, Kelly opened the concert in silhouette behind the curtain, singing the opening bars to “Addicted”. At this point, the tween girls that were surrounding us on all sides began the scream-singing and off-beat clapping that would threaten to mar the duration of the concert.

While the audience was bleak, however, Kelly was in top form - proceeding to blow her tits off for a solid hour and fifteen minutes. She performed all of her hits, as well as some tasty new material. As well, she performed two covers: Ray LaMontagne’s “Shelter” (which she had sung previously for MTV’s ReAct Now Hurricane benefit) and Marc Broussard’s “Home”, which was completely random and yet amazing. Her banter throughout the concert was hilarious, punctuated by lots of “cool beans!” and “you guys are awesome!”. I guess it’s much too early to expect any Madonna/Babs screaming at the audience, huh?

How did she look? Well, I’m happy to report she did not feature any of the midriff-baring outfits that have landed her in the pages of In Touch as of late. That said, she is still in DESPERATE need of a gay stylist. While she was sporting a cute new short ‘do, she couldn’t have been bothered to put a little product in her hair, which resulted in an unpleasant rats nest look by the third song.

Our Kells put an exclamation mark at the end of the concert with a double whammy of “Breakway” and “Since U Been Gone”, performed out in the audience. We walked out of the concert content, just as Mo’ Nature decided she had held out long enough and started spitting out rain again.
I guess that’s about it. We took a bunch of horrific blobs-of-light pictures with Truvy’s camera phone, so hopefully those will follow soon…