Yentl Goes Mental

Perhaps my greatest guilty pleasure in life is my infatuation with Barbra Streisand. I know, I know, it's the gayest of gay obsessions to have, but Babs just does something to me whenever I hear her voice or see her on the screen. Which makes last night just about the best night of my life. Ever. There are no words. For, yes, it is true, I got to see Babs in ALL her glory at Madison Square Garden for a three-hour Blowfest. And not just any Blowfest, but one that made headlines all over the country!

First, let me say that I prepared heavily for this concert. I had seen many Babs screen gems before, from Yentl to Funny Girl, The Prince of Tides to The Mirror Has Two Anuses. And the Cabinet witnessed my hysterical delirium when we all went to see Barbra's last major-screen appearance in Meet The Fockers. But I hadn't seen some of her more obscure films like Up The Sandbox (mildly interesting) and The Main Event (even Babs couldn't save that one). So I rented them. All. In chronological order. From Netflix. I made sure I gave myself enough time to prepare and I got through the whole videography.

Then I went back and filled in a few missing holes I had in the discography. I have about 35 Babs records on CD and another 15 or so on vinyl, so I filled in the gaps - 1984's Emotion (which contains the rather odd duet of Babs and Kim Carnes called "Make No Mistake, He's Mine"). 1963's The Third Album (a collection of obscure standards in similar vein to The Barbra Streisand Album and The Second Barbra Streisand Album).

Then I went back and watched ALL the concert specials she has done over the years. On repeat. To the point where I memorized most of the sound bites given outside the concert taping for 1994's The Concert and 2000's Timeless. And created my own. Just in case CBS or CNN or NBC happened to stop me in front of MSG for a soundbite, I wanted to be prepared. I mean, I would DIE if I had been one of those people who sang "People" when asked why they liked Babs. Sheesh!

OK. So I walk down there from my office. At this point I'm starting to get heart flutters and I'm afraid I'm going to hyperventilate before she even gets onstage. I call Truvy and Annelle for moral support during my time of need and they calm me down (slightly). I make predictions about how many times I am going to cry and what song is going to trigger the waterfalls.

I FINALLY get there. Too crazed to even stop for a cigarette (even though I know I'm going to be trapped inside for three hours), I hurry in to the MOST crowded MSG I have ever seen. These poor people, most of whom were older, could NOT figure out how tickets worked. How gates worked. How sections worked. How seat assignments worked. It was a hot mess.

After knocking over a few old ladies smelling strongly of Avon and buttah to get one of the last programs at the kiosk, I hurry to my seat. OMG. I'm dead center in the loge, with a perfect view of the Babs-A-Thon!!! As the seats start to fill in, the crowd starts to cheer. Startled, I glance about nervously, thinking maybe James Brolin or Jason Gould, Barbra's hot gay son, have taken seats on the floor. No such luck. Even BETTER. Oprah and Gayle, continuing to fuel the flames of their strange non-lesbian relationship, have shown up to support the gayest icon ever. Rosie O'Lesbo soon follows. Michael Kors (sans Nina Garcia, unfortunately) sits in my section.

After what seems like an eternity, Barbra Joan makes her grand entrance. I feel like I'm going to faint but I hold it together. A few songs into the set comes my favorite, "The Way We Were", and as soon as I hear the opening piano bars I start to lose it. God her voice IS like buttah. A flamer screams out, "Barbra, marry me even though I'm gay!" Which Barbra can't hear so she shuffles over in her Donna Karan sequined monstrosity to his side of the stage. When she finally figures out what he is saying, she responds, "There are gay people here???" Lord, she is BEASTING out.

Perhaps that's the part that people don't get about my obsession with Babs, and my obsession with most people, for that matter. I WANT her to beast out. If she didn't, I wouldn't be half as interested. I love me some Madonna, but she was WAY more fun in the Truth or Dare era than I'm Going To Tell U A Secret (zzzzzzzzz!!!). So, when Babs spotted La Winfrey in the audience, what do you think she said? "Still so thin???" I almost fell on the floor. She then proceeded to tell this ridiculous story about how she didn't make dress rehearsal for the concert because she was too busy eating her way through town.

OK, OK. So you've probably heard the good part. Well, after I repeatedly tinkled on myself hearing "People", "Evergreen", "Don't Rain On My Parade", "My Man", "Children Will Listen" and the like for the first time live, Babs got to her political sketch comedy with the George Bush impersonator. Which...wasn't so funny. It was long. I had to go on a pee break for real and I stumbled over a couple of enthralled older fagits, missing the "Get Happy" duet. However, I really couldn't believe that she was being heckled by the audience for an anti-Bush skit. What did they expect from her? She's KNOWN for this kind of shit. When she stopped her song and screamed, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!", though, I almost died. It was AWESOME. It was like South Park had come and ambushed the show. ElBeasto Streisand, ya did me proud last night. I won't forget this night for many years to come. Probably never. You're my guiltiest of guilty pleasures.

xoxo,

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