The Armoire Saga

The boyfriend and I have recently been doing some home improvement projects. As part of said improvements, we ordered a new armoire from a certain low-cost carrier (I can’t name names, because I don’t want to be an, ahem, TARGET of legal action). For your enjoyment, the following is a timeline, from order to delivery:

9/2/2006 – Online order completed.

9/14/2006 – I logged onto UPS and noticed that our armoire had been delivered to some random town in Florida. Surprised, I sent the following email to customer service:

“I purchased the Country Lane Pine Armoire on 9/2/2006, along with three other items. All other items in my order have been delivered. When I check the UPS status, however, it says the armoire was delivered to Plantation, FL on 9/13/2006. I live in New York City and never gave a Florida address. Please let me know as soon as possible what is happening with this shipment.”

9/16/2006 – I received the following response email from customer service:

“Dear [Clairee],

I'm sorry that your shipment hasn't arrived. I've arranged for a replacement order to be sent at no additional charge:

-Replacement Order Number: XXX-XXXXXXX-XXXXXXXX
-Shipping Method: Standard Domestic
-Estimated Delivery Date: 10/4/06 - 10/6/06

I realize it will be a while before the replacement gets to you, so if you'd rather have a refund, just call us at 1-800-XXX-XXXX.

Once the order ships, you'll get a confirmation e-mail and will be able to track the order.

If the original shipment arrives, you'll need to refuse delivery. If you're not there when the package is delivered:

-If it's delivered by mail, write "Refused--Return to Sender" on the
package and leave it where it was delivered.
-If it's delivered by another carrier, contact them to find out how
to refuse the package.

Thanks for your patience.”

9/27/2006 – I receive notice that the package was refused by the package center in my building because it is too heavy. I call to make an appointment to have the armoire delivered on Friday, 9/29/2006, because UPS makes No(?) Saturday(?) Deliveries(?)

9/29/2006 – My boyfriend works from home so that he can accept the package. I make two phone calls to UPS from work during the day to confirm the package will be delivered. No problem, I am assured. The package is never delivered. I make my third phone call to UPS at 7:00 pm and am informed that UPS screwed up and accidentally changed the delivery date from 9/29/2006 to 10/11/2006. Apparently, either a mysterious computer virus or a slip of Sha’Niqua’s Lee press-on nails have effed things up considerably for us. I am told “The package might be on a truck, but we can’t know because we can’t communicate with the trucks.” (Obviously!) “You could go to the package center on West 43rd Street, but it closes in an hour. The best I can do is put in a message to the package center, but they won’t get it until Monday morning.” She assures me she has stepped the situation up to “urgent” and that I will be called first thing Monday morning.

10/2/2006 – No representative from UPS calls me Monday morning. I call instead, pleading with them not to try and delivery the package because we already missed one day of work and can’t stay home today. I am assured it will not be delivered until Wednesday and that someone from the local package center will call and confirm within 1 hour. No one calls. That night, I arrive home from work and the package is sitting outside the door of my New York City apartment, where anyone walking by could have taken it. I laugh.

These are the ridiculous things we put ourselves through to live in New York City. Completely normal activities, like going to the grocery store or buying a cheap piece of furniture, become extreme endurance tests. We take a bus for an hour and a half to Ikea to buy $50 furniture. We spend money on cabs from Staples so that we have boxes to move ourselves up and down six-floor walk-up apartments. We lay down 40% of our salaries on miniscule two-room apartments when we could be living like celebrities in the cities we fled from. But to quote one of Truvy’s favorite domestic violence movies (and there are many), the Farrah Fawcett starring ‘The Burning Bed’, “You’ve got to take the bitter with the sweet”. These ARE the ridiculous things we have to put ourselves through to live in New York City. So be it, then. Bring if the fuck ON, Verizon. Suck on it, UPS. Bite me, Time Warner. You're not going to break THIS queen anytime soon.