FLASH: Cabinet sends cease-and-desist letter to rogue actress

MEMORANDUM

To: Maggie Gyllenhaal
From: The Cabinet
Re: Your generally annoying presence in our lives

August 12, 2006

Ms. Gyllenhaal:

The members of The Cabinet respectfully request a written explanation--two pages in length, double-spaced--from you and/or one of your subordinates clearly articulating and explaining your continued presence in our lives. Per Cabinet regulations, you were declared Permanently Annoying (Motion #4-B18D97) at our annual meeting in 2003, shortly after M'Lynn, Ouizer, and Clairee all tried watching your S&M-themed "film" Secretary and nearly undertook shooting sprees in a fit of crap-induced rage. Since then, you have continued to make films including, but not limited to, Mona Lisa's Anus, Happy Endings, Trust the Anus, and Monster Anus (a CG-animated feature in which only your perky-pooky-peppy voice can be heard).

Because of this unwilled act of violence and aggression, we urgently ask that you reply to the above request by Sept. 14. If we do not hear from your offices, we will interpret your silence--and any news of upcoming film, television or stage projects--as a sign of further aggression and possible provocation, and will refer this matter to our Security Council.

Respectfully,

The Cabinet

cc: Clairee
M'Lynn
Ouizer
Shelby
Truvy