What Ever Happened to Katie Holmes?

So, I was inspired by an article I read in am New York this morning about the upcoming TomKat nuptials, and our favorite little person's quote:

"I WON'T LET THIS WOMAN GET AWAY".

Um, scary much? I mean, you KNOW at this point Katie is frantically peeking out behind closed blinds, trying to mouth the words "help me" to passersby. We can only speculate what's happening behind closed doors, but I myself was imagining a modern day version of the Joan Crawford / Bette Davis camp classic "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?" Think about it: Our lil' Tommy is Jane Hudson, the faded star dragging down Katie, the movie star forced into retirement and isolation. Except this time the "accident" is Katie's pregnancy, and she is being imprisoned by Scientology instead of a wheelchair. Of course, then I thought about lil' Tommy in a baby girl's dress, caked with make-up, and singing and dancing to "I've Written a Letter to Daddy".

These are the kind of thoughts that keep me up at night. Clearly I need help.