She's Just Going To Cry Again!

All of the figure skating in the 2006 Turin Olympics has me yearning for the glory days of 1994, when my goddess Nancy Kerrigan almost had her One Moment In Time. Now, I'm sure you all remember the Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan saga with the clubbed knee, and I know that some of you (sicker) folk (like M'Lynn and Shelby) take the side of that trashy pig, but I'm a tried and true Nancy-gurl. Nancy possesses all the traits of the ideal figure skater - tall and graceful in her custom-made Vera Wang costumes as she effortlessly glides across the ice in her dyed-to-match skates. And, if you didn't follow her as closely as I did, you will now see that she is a TRUE beast of the highest order. Just recollect what happened at the Olympics back in 1994...

Nancy skates a near-perfect short program, almost ensuring her a gold two nights later at the final. At the last minute, a little alcoholic Ukrainian 15-year old wench named Oksana Baiul sweeps in, throws in an extra, poorly executed triple loop at the end of her program and wins by 1/10 of 1 point from ONE judge, robbing Nancy her hard-earned victory after being so savagely violated by the evil Harding-Gillooly (we all know what happened to Tonya, don't we? She tried to skate a 'graceful' program to JURASSIC PARK and her skate came untied and she cried and fell down a whole lot.). I STILL maintain that that toe loop was double footed, and that instead of being rewarded, Oksanus should have been DEDUCTED 1/10 of 1 point from each judge, thereby preventing her from winning, but of course the whole thing was rigged.

So does Nancy exit the Olympics gracefully, pretending to be happy with her Silver and Bronze? OF COURSE NOT!!! There is an interminable wait between the end of the competition and the medals ceremony, which someone mistakenly attributed to Oksanus having to redo her makeup because she cried so much after seeing her scores (actually, they couldn't find the Ukrainian national anthem because it had never been performed by the Olympic orchestra before). Nancy's quip: "What for! She's just going to cry again!" Which, of course, a camera happens to pick up and transmit across the globe to billions of viewers in 100 billion nations. Days later, in her Disney parade, a tired Nancy is through with greeting drooling children and over-zealous zitty teen girls, and HITS her mother while on the float down Main Street. AGAIN, caught on camera and projected across TV screens everywhere. I mean, can you get any more sore loser? I LOVE YOU NANCY. I wouldn't have put up with the facade of bull-ish either. Which makes us both bitter prom queens and everyone else worthless trash.