Guilty Pleasure: The Sims

OK, I know that most of you dismiss video games as entertainment for the super-geeky Star Trek set, but I have always been sucked in by The Sims. For those of you that don't know, The Sims is a game where you create fictional characters, build them a house, make them go to work, and try to generally make them better people by teaching them how to cook, how to be creative, make sure they take a bath, go to the bathroom, eat enough...you get the picture. Most people create boring little Sims characters and then cheat and steal a whole bunch of money and build houses to make their Sims happy. I, of course, don't play this way. I create Sims in the likenesses of my friends (and sometimes my enemies). In fact, my current Sims neighborhood features everyone in the Cabinet (it also includes Catherine Zeta-Anus and Renee Zell-anus in a Chicago bordello Sims house, but I digress...).

When I first started playing The Sims in 2001, I had a really really good friend whose Name Must Not Be Spoken (like Voldemort in Harry Potter). Anyway, we got into a World War III fight and I really wished that she would be banished to another kingdom where I would never have to see her again, but alas my powers were not yet that strong. So...I created a Sim in her likeness.

In the Sims, they allow you to give the characters certain positive qualities - you can balance them out or give them extra points for neatness, athleticism, kindness, generosity, etc. Well...in my RAGE I decided to give She Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken ANY good qualities. So...when I started to 'play' with her, she just wound up getting in fights with everyone and making everyone in her presence generally unhappy (not unlike She Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken - I tell you, this game speaks the truth!).

What to do! I had her walk into a corner of the house. Once she was in the designated area, I built brick walls around her and she couldn't get out. At first, I was nice and gave her a cheapo television on a plastic cart, but then I decided to play hardball. I got rid of the television and the bed and watched her start to suffer. At first she started yelling that she was hungry and had to go to the bathroom. But, of course, I had built brick walls around her and her roommates couldn't hear her. Pretty soon she started getting weaker. Then she pissed on herself and a puddle of urine appeared in her brick-walled cell. Eventually she passed out in her own pool of sick.

I thought this would be the end of her, but NO, she passed out and woke up ALL CRANKY again. Several urinations later and without food, shower or any fun she died and was replaced with an urn. Normally, Sims grieve when a family member or housemate dies, but of course she was buried in the wall. So no one was aware she had died. And no one grieved. Ah, see that's what happens when you fuck with Ouizer.