Guilty Pleasure: The Sims

OK, I know that most of you dismiss video games as entertainment for the super-geeky Star Trek set, but I have always been sucked in by The Sims. For those of you that don't know, The Sims is a game where you create fictional characters, build them a house, make them go to work, and try to generally make them better people by teaching them how to cook, how to be creative, make sure they take a bath, go to the bathroom, eat enough...you get the picture. Most people create boring little Sims characters and then cheat and steal a whole bunch of money and build houses to make their Sims happy. I, of course, don't play this way. I create Sims in the likenesses of my friends (and sometimes my enemies). In fact, my current Sims neighborhood features everyone in the Cabinet (it also includes Catherine Zeta-Anus and Renee Zell-anus in a Chicago bordello Sims house, but I digress...).

When I first started playing The Sims in 2001, I had a really really good friend whose Name Must Not Be Spoken (like Voldemort in Harry Potter). Anyway, we got into a World War III fight and I really wished that she would be banished to another kingdom where I would never have to see her again, but alas my powers were not yet that strong. So...I created a Sim in her likeness.

In the Sims, they allow you to give the characters certain positive qualities - you can balance them out or give them extra points for neatness, athleticism, kindness, generosity, etc. Well...in my RAGE I decided to give She Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken ANY good qualities. So...when I started to 'play' with her, she just wound up getting in fights with everyone and making everyone in her presence generally unhappy (not unlike She Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken - I tell you, this game speaks the truth!).

What to do! I had her walk into a corner of the house. Once she was in the designated area, I built brick walls around her and she couldn't get out. At first, I was nice and gave her a cheapo television on a plastic cart, but then I decided to play hardball. I got rid of the television and the bed and watched her start to suffer. At first she started yelling that she was hungry and had to go to the bathroom. But, of course, I had built brick walls around her and her roommates couldn't hear her. Pretty soon she started getting weaker. Then she pissed on herself and a puddle of urine appeared in her brick-walled cell. Eventually she passed out in her own pool of sick.

I thought this would be the end of her, but NO, she passed out and woke up ALL CRANKY again. Several urinations later and without food, shower or any fun she died and was replaced with an urn. Normally, Sims grieve when a family member or housemate dies, but of course she was buried in the wall. So no one was aware she had died. And no one grieved. Ah, see that's what happens when you fuck with Ouizer.

Iconic Album Artwork

This album cover for Sweet Sensation's Take It While It's Hot (1989) makes me SO happy. Honestly, I don't really remember people dressing like this, but it certainly evokes an era of free-spirited fashion jumpoffs, the likes of which we have not seen since. (However, I do think that if Mama Knowles and Destiny's Child had been around in 1989, she would have created similar fashion travesties for them to sport at the Billboard Awards and the lighting of the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center!)

To recap: Sweet Sensation exploded onto the scene in 1989 at the tail-end of the Latin Freestyle diva-wave. Their first album (pictured above) contained the hits "Hooked On You" (click on the title for the HOT fashion show video where they wear some pretty interesting creations from the House of HEINOUS!) and "Sincerely Yours". Their follow-up album contained their hit cover of "Love Child" and a (gasp!) #1 Billboard hit in "If Wishes Came True", after which they were never heard from again.

Now...WHY is this??? Looking at this cover again, doesn't it seem to you that they were quite possibly lip-syncing Boricua drag queens?! I mean, look CLOSELY at the beastess on the right. And note the lack of ANY sort of cleavage on all three 'gurls'. There's something a little amiss here...aww Sweet Sensation, it's ok! I love you anyway.

xoxo,

Your #1 Fan Ouizer

Glitter 2: Sylk's Revenge

Someone actually gave Mimi another chance at movie stardom.

Goodtimes.

20's, 30's, 40's, 50's. It's all the same.

Finally! Heinous Hair got her butt back into the studio and starting working on that album. Here's a cool interview she did for MTV. In it, she talks about how the album is coming along, and teases us with a little snippet.

I have to admit, I'm a little worried with the whole ol' skool jazz thing (too many opportunites to showcase Heinous Hair in the videos), but I'm holding my breath. Don't let me down, Xtina.

Meet the Carters

So I hear there's talk of MTV doing a reality show for the Carters. I say BRAVO! It's sure to be the best trash on TV since we lost Being Bobby Brown and Taradise (moment of silence, please).

The Carters are pretty much the poster children for white trash. Hailing from sunny Florida, home of the boybands, almost all of them have had mugshots.

And anything would be better than those boring Barker's or that annoying Ashley Parker Angel and his ugmo wife.

"HAHAHA! (snort!)"

Bonus Video:

"Oops" o'graphy

Here's a little sneak peek video of Britney on the set of Will & Grace.
I love the part about the gum.
Classic Britty!

More S.O.S. (Rescue Me) frenzy

Don't ever accuse me of not providing for you lambs... Click here to grab an mp3 of Rihanna's ridiculously catchy "S.O.S. (Rescue Me)". And here are the lyrics for you to memorize so that we can all completely fag out when this hits the clubs:

[Intro]
Lalala, lalala, lalalalala, Ohhh (You know, I never felt like this before)
Lalala, lalala, lalalalala, Ohhh (This feeling's like so real)

[Verse 1]
I'm obessive when just one thought of you comes up
I'm aggressive cause just one thought ain't close enough
You got me stressing, incessantly pressing the issue
Cause every moment gone you know I miss you
I'm the question and you're of course the answer
Just hold me close boy cause I'm your tiny dancer
You make me shaken up I'm never mistaken
but I can't control myself, got me calling out for Help

[Chorus]
S-O-S please someone help me.
It's not healthy for me to feel this
Y-O-U are making this hard?
I can't take it see it don't feel right.
S-O-S please someone help me,
It's not healthy for me to feel this
Y-O-U are making this hard?
You got me tossing and turning can't sleep at night

This time please someone come and rescue me
'Cause you on my mind has got me losing it
I'm lost, you got me lookin for the rest of me
Love is testing me but still I'm losing it
This time please someone come and rescue me
'cause you on my mind has got me losing it,
I'm lost you got me looking for the rest of me,
Got the best of me, so now I'm losing it.

[Verse 2]
Just your presence and I second guess my sanity,
yes it's a lesson, it's unfair, you stole my vanity
My tummy's up in knots, and when i see ya it gets so hot
My common sense is out the door, can't seem to find the lock
Take on me (uh huh) you know inside you feel it right
Take me on, I could just die up in your arms tonight!
I melt with you, ya got me head over heels, (over heels)
boy you keep me hanging on the way you make me feel

[Chorus]
S-O-S, please someone help me.
It's not healthy for me to feel this
Y-O-U are making this hard?
You got me tossing and turning can't sleep at night.

This time please someone come and rescue me
'cause you on my mind has got me losing it
I'm lost, you got me lookin for the rest of me
Love is testing me but still I'm losing it
This time please some one come and rescue me
'cause you on my mind has got me losing it,
I'm lost you got me looking for the rest of me,
Got the best of me, so now I'm losing it.

[Verse 3:]
Boy you know you got me feeling open and
Boy our loves enough with words unspoken
I said BOY I'm telling you, you got me open,
I don't know what to do it's true, I'm going crazy over you,
I'm begging

[Chorus]
S-O-S, please someone help me (somebody help me)
It's not healthy for me to feel this
Y-O-U are making this hard?
You got me tossing and turning can't sleep at night.

This time please someone come and rescue me
cause you on my mind has got me losing it
I'm lost, you got me lookin for the rest of me
Love is testing me but still I'm losing it
This time please someone come and rescue me
'cause you on my mind has got me losing it,
I'm lost you got me looking for the rest of me,
Got the best of me, so now I'm losing it.

[Outro]
Lalala, lalala, lalalalala, Ohhh,
Oh Oh
Lalala, lalala, lalalalala, Ohhh,
Oh Oh

Kell Bells concert jump

So, I'm not sure how long it's been online, but I stumbled across a nice Sunday morning treat - a full length concert Kelly Clarkson did in Orlando for AOL Music. I strongly suggest you click here, crack open a beer, and enjoy a solid hour of kell bells doing what she does best - blowing those tits off. I thought this pic of her eating mic was particularly appropriate. Enjoy!

Ace in the hole

Ok, I realize that's a disgusting post title but I just couldn't help myself after seeing these Ace Young pics!

yes

*sigh*
I
heart
Ace.

ps... I love me some Chris Daughtry too.

NO!

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!

NO!!!!

Show Me the Tranny!

Oh, dear God, is this really necessary? Today's Page Six is reporting that local legend Amanda Lepore—who usually walks past me nekkid when I'm BLOW!ing out at a club—has been signed to the William Morris Agency and is in talks to do a talk show which she says will be "about me and my friends going out." Well, hell, if she gets this gig, I suppose I won't need to go to any clubs anymore...I can just watch what's happening from the comfort of my couch!

Bynes is the MAN!

I just saw the trailer for this AWFUL looking Amanda Bynes movie, "She's the Man". Here is a link to the official site if you want to check it out for yourself. Can we just all agree that Amanda Bynes is the most unlikeable actress working in Hollywood today? And can we agree that we will go see this movie opening night to make fun of it?

p.s. Does this remind anyone of that trashy 80's movie they used to play on tv all the time called "Just One of the Guys"? That movie was the jump!

Candie B's Fingerhuttin' Bitch...

Loves it! Here's a pic of that Polish maid who stole from Robert De Niro and Candace Bergen. By the way, to avoid any confusion, we call someone who steals a "fingerhuttin' bitch" because a few years ago Shelby had her purse jacked when I was with her at Wondar Bar (R.I.P.) and the petty thief ended up buying a bunch of stuff online with Shelby's credit cards at Fingerhut.com. It was so blown out, the terminology stuck.

Anyway, I fully endorse this new and celebrity-improved fingerhuttin' bitch, as she seems totally over it and has zero remorse - two things the cabinet fully embraces. :-)

I know you know I know...

Back in November, I congratulated Kell Bells for single #5, "Gone". Turns out, Z100 was throwing trickery and just using it to segway into her real next single, "Walk Away".

I found a neat little article where Kelly talks about being on the road in Europe, her new album, and the video for "Walk Away".

Goodtimes.

Let's go, girls.

Suck on this, bitches!

Go Team America!

Wow, never thought I'd say those words, but I'm talking to the three US gals who completed the first half of their figure skating competition tonight: Sasha Cohen (doesn't she sound like Nicole from 'America's Next Top Model'?), Emily Hughes, and my personal favorite, Kimmie Meissner, who sat in the stands for most of the evening with a super-sour look on her face that basically said, "That effing bitch pushed me down one more notch in the rankings!" each time another skater scored higher marks than she did early in the evening.

At this point, I'm rooting for Sasha because she's cute, she's talented, she wears a Kabbalah bracelet, and she recently made a cameo appearance on 'Project Runway.' She also looks like a little evil monster with a Dakota Fanning smile when she is beaming with happiness. (Hey, valid reasons all...) But I'm also into Irina Slutskaya of Russia, who left the arena before Sasha skated (nice!!) and is also a damn good skater. She also seems not to suffer from Whiny Runner-Up Syndrome, which always seems to afflict so many Russian Olympians. (Hell, even their winners are often poopyfaced.) So if she ends up winning, I won't be too angry.

Did any of you watch the show? What did you think?

Say It Ain't So, Sneaky Grandma!

The New York Daily News is reporting that one of my favorite writers, Mary Higgins Anus, plagiarized her 2003 novel The Second Time Around from an Israeli screenplay written in 2000 by Dalia Gal. I really don't see how this can be possible, or why this woman would even claim something so preposterous. I mean, what self-respecting writer would want to bring to light the fact that their story in any way resembles something written by Mary Higgins Anus??? I mean, I love her, but certainly not for the right reasons!

In this book (which I actually just finished), her heroine Carley De Carlo(always dressed in beautiful cream or olive-colored slacks that she got a great bargain on last season) uncovers a highly suspicious plot involving espionage in her mother's second husband's daughter's husband's pharmaceutical company and the possibility that they may not have a miracle drug for cancer after all.

Mary, if you really did steal that plot from someone else, you are one sneaky grandma, because I couldn't fathom translating an unwanted screenplay written in Hebrew and coming up with a plot this blown. And I think if this is true it would make me love you even more!

Rich Bitch Deathmatch, Round One

So it seems that The Donald and Martha Stewart are in the middle of a hair-pulling girlfight over her recent remarks that 'The Apprentice: Martha Stewart' was not such a good thing, and that Donald Trump was partly to blame because he insisted that his version of the show stay on-air while hers was also trying to get off the ground. Now, I'm one of the few who actually watched and enjoyed Martha's version (well, most of it), and while it was often quite boring, I think the main problem was not only that The Donald's version stayed on the air but that it was EXACTLY THE SAME!

So now, naturally, The Donald is getting snippy and replying that Martha should 'take responsibility' for her show's failure. There's nothing I love more than watching two mega-rich moguls who have everything they could ever hope and dream of attaining (big up to the Trump helicopter!) bitch it out in a national forum. Keep it coming, kids.

Shut up! Just shut up...shut up!

Anybody else totally annoyed with this James Blunt character? He sounds like he's singing his way through an appendectomy. Enough already--that so-called love song I hear warbling from every TV tuned to VH-1 in the past week is a total irritant.

I hope you lose to Felicity Huffman

Here's why:

"They said, 'No matter what you do in life, don't ever sing.'"

--Reese Witherspoon in Star, quoting her parents' childhood advice. If the Walk the Line star had listened, she'd never have scored an Oscar nom for playing country legend June Carter. So, kids, here's an important lesson: Ignore your parents

We get it! Now get out of my face!

Patrick Dempsey = White Trash?

Well, he DOES live in a trailor on Grey's Anatomy...

So, I totes did not know that Patrick Dempsey had this little hobby. Frankly, I'm disappointed. Patrick, have you learned nothing from Jason Priestley's near-death experience? Hollywood and Indy car racing do NOT mix, even if you aren't driving the thing. As a former resident of the fine city of Indianapolis, I implore you to leave the racing to the PBR-drinkin', roots-showin', toothless rednecks that consider blowing out their eardrums while watching cars shoot by at 200mph a sport. And that should leave you plenty of time to focus on being "mcdreamy" for skeletor every Sunday at 10:00. Thanks!

Sharon is carin'

Speaking of Catwoman, y'all, have you been treated to the trailer for Basic Instinct 2 yet?? Because I have, and let me tell you, there WILL be a Cabinet outing for the opening night of this must-see film, which I'm already predicting will rack up the Razzies next spring.

I'm happy to see Sharon Stone really making an ass of herself--her usual M.O.--by actually agreeing to be in this movie despite the fact that she is basically a walking punchline at this point in her "career." (But GOD do I love the freak! Her performance in 'Casino' was the jump, and what with the komodo dragons, the brain tumor, the charity benefit song she "wrote" and "produced," and baby Roan, how could I not?) It's deathly apparent from this trailer, too, that the movie is going to suck balls, but it looks like our Sharon is really trying to hit this one wayyyyy out of the park. Sweet Sharon, always looking out for her fans in the Cabinet!

Becckkkkkkyyyyyyyyyy!!!

I'm a little drunk right now. I'm sitting on the couch watching Nickelodeon. 'Roseanne' is on. I just want to tell you all how much I freakin' love this show. It's genius. I love the Conners. This was such a smart and knowing show. Roseanne, for all of her exhausting egotism, was such a fucking cool chick and a damned honest mother, too. I think it's one of my all-time favorites. Do you?

That's all.

picture purrrfect

I'm sure by now you've all read about Halle Berry getting this year's Hasty Pudding Award, and how she had to write "I will not make Catwoman 2" on the chalkboard 4 times. Well, I really didn't care until I saw this pic of her actually doing it, and check out the pit stains under her arm! HALLE! Get it together, gurl. Get some Certain Dri or something.

Now I'm still not sure if this award is an honor or not, but either way, I'm proud of Halle's sense humor about herself (like when she made her Razzie acceptance speech). And I for one thought "Catwoman" was a hoot (Halle and Sharon Stone kung-fu fighting... Classic!) and would looooove to see a second installment. Oh well, maybe she'll deliver some campy dialogue in X-men 3 this summer. Fingers crossed!

got the best of meeee

Since we are all now on the Rihanna bandwagon, click here to check out her new video for "S.O.S."
(presented by Nike! hahaha)

PS... (attn Shelby & Ouizer) Jamie King even hosts an online tutorial to learn the 'ography.
(*note* it's still too hard for my non-'ography-learnin'-ass)

carry me HIIIIIIIGHER Lord!

(source: Mariah Daily)

"It appears that "Fly Like A Bird" will be Mariah's fifth single from

"The Emancipation of Mimi".

According to All Access, the official radio impact for "Fly Like A Bird" is set for different dates in the different radio formats, as follows:

March 14, 2006 - Top 40 Rhythmic-Crossover

April 4, 2006 - Top 40 Mainstream

In addition, we are able to reveal that the song will primarily be sent to Urban and Gospel radio stations.

At the moment, no information is available about a music video

for the song.

Mariah performed a rousing rendition of "Fly Like A Bird" and earned a standing ovation at the recently-held Grammy Awards.

In the February 25th issue of Billboard magazine, the song debuts at #21 on the Bubbling Under R&B/Hip-hop Singles. "

Yeahhh, this bizz makes mah happy.

I've loved this song from day one, but I'm really surprised to see it get picked as a single.

I wonder how it will sound on radio.

'Breast pumps are right over in aisle 15, Ma'am...'

Ain't nothing I love more than a big bowl of crunchy ghetto fabulousness to kick off my Saturday mornings, and this morning, Justine Deceus delivered. Literally! Bitch went into a South Florida Wal-Mart to get a new car seat, and--oopsy daisy!--she walked out with a bouncing new baby daughter, Helesia.

This is all very Natalie Portman in Where the Heart Is, but it's also a little tragic. Justine gave birth in the LAYAWAY DEPARTMENT of the store. Eeesh! At least if she'd been popping a squat in the candle aisle at Target, I would have held out some semblance of hope for the kid.

Stop Poppin'!

I've been meaning to post on this super blown Jessica Simpson Pizza Hut commercial for-e-ver. All I can say is, Jessica, you have no shame. I hope Joe pulled some serious taffy while watching his daughter shoot this. Click here to check it out, if you dare...

Ben Brantley doesn't have mixed feelings about you...

M'Lynn - this post is for you. I read this review in the Times today in which Ben Brantley body-slams the revival of Neil Simon's "Barefoot in the Park", especially the actress you have mixed feelings about, Amanda Peet. Thought it might help you make your final decision!

With Legs Wide Open...

So...apparently there is an old sex tape of Kid Rock and Scott Stapp from Creed doing it with four groupies on a tour bus that is going to see the light of day. HEINOUS! is all I have to say. Are these not the two most disgusting men in show business today? WHY would I want to see either of them engaging in lascivious activity? Well, let's hope their, um, appendages are xxxL at least!

(ACTUALLY, I must admit that I was initially captivated by this headline because I thought it was a sex tape of Kid Rock and Scott Stapp doing it with each other. Now THAT would have been interesting!)

Those Canadians ruin everything...

There's no such thing as too much figure skating news for an organization comprised of five total queens, so I'll just keep on keepin' on with this update about my new boyfriend, Evan Lysacek (who knows from side triangles--check out that pose!). Cute Stuff came from wayyyy behind last night (i.e., 10th place) and gave a heartfelt, passionate performance and looked like a potential bronze-medal winner, but alas, some little blonde Canadian twink with a toothy smile, wispy hair and a too-high waistline flitted his way in there and pushed my guy to fourth place.

It's okay, Evan. You've got me and a jillion other gurls pining away for you all over the country, and you're still young...so I fully expect to see you back at the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. And since Vancouver is one of M'Lynn's favorite cities on earth, you can bet I'll be in the crowd shouting and screaming and squealing as you skate your next routine. We'll get 'em next time, tiger!

She's Just Going To Cry Again!

All of the figure skating in the 2006 Turin Olympics has me yearning for the glory days of 1994, when my goddess Nancy Kerrigan almost had her One Moment In Time. Now, I'm sure you all remember the Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan saga with the clubbed knee, and I know that some of you (sicker) folk (like M'Lynn and Shelby) take the side of that trashy pig, but I'm a tried and true Nancy-gurl. Nancy possesses all the traits of the ideal figure skater - tall and graceful in her custom-made Vera Wang costumes as she effortlessly glides across the ice in her dyed-to-match skates. And, if you didn't follow her as closely as I did, you will now see that she is a TRUE beast of the highest order. Just recollect what happened at the Olympics back in 1994...

Nancy skates a near-perfect short program, almost ensuring her a gold two nights later at the final. At the last minute, a little alcoholic Ukrainian 15-year old wench named Oksana Baiul sweeps in, throws in an extra, poorly executed triple loop at the end of her program and wins by 1/10 of 1 point from ONE judge, robbing Nancy her hard-earned victory after being so savagely violated by the evil Harding-Gillooly (we all know what happened to Tonya, don't we? She tried to skate a 'graceful' program to JURASSIC PARK and her skate came untied and she cried and fell down a whole lot.). I STILL maintain that that toe loop was double footed, and that instead of being rewarded, Oksanus should have been DEDUCTED 1/10 of 1 point from each judge, thereby preventing her from winning, but of course the whole thing was rigged.

So does Nancy exit the Olympics gracefully, pretending to be happy with her Silver and Bronze? OF COURSE NOT!!! There is an interminable wait between the end of the competition and the medals ceremony, which someone mistakenly attributed to Oksanus having to redo her makeup because she cried so much after seeing her scores (actually, they couldn't find the Ukrainian national anthem because it had never been performed by the Olympic orchestra before). Nancy's quip: "What for! She's just going to cry again!" Which, of course, a camera happens to pick up and transmit across the globe to billions of viewers in 100 billion nations. Days later, in her Disney parade, a tired Nancy is through with greeting drooling children and over-zealous zitty teen girls, and HITS her mother while on the float down Main Street. AGAIN, caught on camera and projected across TV screens everywhere. I mean, can you get any more sore loser? I LOVE YOU NANCY. I wouldn't have put up with the facade of bull-ish either. Which makes us both bitter prom queens and everyone else worthless trash.

Evan is a place on earth...

I'd like to introduce you all to my new boyfriend, Evan Lysacek. He looks like a young Scott Baio (who was hot--you can all eff offif you don't agree) meets Adam Levine (who is hot, even if he is screwing that haggard beast). Just noticed him for the first time during tonight's mens' free skate, where he BLEW IT OUT and came from behind to put to rest any lingering memories from his disastrous performance two nights ago.

Evan, where have you been and why haven't I noticed you until now? And please, if you're reading this, will you marry me?

The Table's Set, Baby!

I must give all praise to www.youtube.com for resurrecting the videos of my youth. What I had thought long-lost in the bowels of the MTV video dungeons has now resurfaced for an eager public to plunder and pillage. Case in point - the long lost video for Martika's genius "Martika's Kitchen" (click the title for the link). Now, I know I'm probably one of three people that actually remembers this song (M'Lynn and Shelby are probably the other two), but this video makes my desire burn longer than a country mile... (Yes, that is but a sample of the poetic genius hidden within this unconventional ditty.)

For those of you not up on your Martika history, long before Fergie of The Black Eyed Peas became the most famous graduate of Kids Incorporated, Martika was the undisputed queen, giving hope to Wannabe Latina Divas everywhere. Look no further than her 1989 #1 smash single "Toy Soldiers" for evidence. Subsequent releases proved not to be as successful, but I dare you to take a look at this video and NOT wax nostalgic for the crap-tastic sounds of 1991. My dear Martika, where art thou! A comeback is long overdue!

xoxo,

Your #1 Fan Ouizer

A pat on the back to...

our gurl Rhianna. Who knew she would actually last past 15 minutes? The Cabinet did, that's for sure. We blew hard to Pon de Replay in '05. I am so happy to say that she's back with another song, SOS, that is AS GOOD as PdR. I know I'm not exactly the first to hear it but I had the pleasure of coming across it this morning on my beh beh boombox and had to post something. It is the JUUUUUUUUMP!!!! And on a side note, I LOVE that she is rocking the trannie look like my other gurl Ciara.

Brokenote Mountain

I know a Brokeback parady isn't the most original idea Idol could've come up with, but I thought it was funny. Also, I felt like it was almost an apology for Simon's cross-dresser comments a few weeks ago. Annnnd.... talk about awkward moments, when none of these guys made it, and little cowboy was hugging that other guy and crying for like, 5 minutes.
Goodtimes.

And the weeeiners are...

Well, folks...what can we say? It was a BLOW! One of the tenets of The Cabinet's foundation is a shared love and appreciation for a BLOW!, which, in layman's terms, stands for a person, place, thing or event that personifies a total loss of common sense and balance. When a celebrity cuts their knee on a teacup at Bryan Adams' mansion, that's a BLOW! When Dick Cheney shoots a friend while hunting, he BLEW! it out. When there's a major lightning storm in New York City, we look out our windows at the sky and say to ourselves, 'Yep, it's a BLOW!' And when we hit the town for a night at The Roxy, we plan for a BLOW! You get the point. We've taken the concept so ridiculously far that we finally decide to hold our very own awards show.

So...on Saturday evening, the 2nd Annual BLOW! Awards (a.k.a. The BLOW!ies) were held at M'Lynn and Drum's place downtown, and all members of The Cabinet were in attendance to honor the best and brightest messes of 2005. We'll save you the dirty details of how the night progressed, but suffice it to say that the impending arrival of a major nor'easter--which turned out to pull some of our attention with a record-setting BLOW! of its own--tried to trump our proceedings.

Didn't happen. With a slew of televised performances from Liza Minnelli, Barbra Streisand, Mary J. Blige and Whitney Houston, Tina Turner, Elton John, and Cher, and Mariah Carey--along with videos from Sheryl Lee Ralph (why???!), The Pointer Sisters, Debbie Gibson, and Paula Abdul--there was no shortage of great entertainment between our visits to the bar for champagne and vodka...and our visits to the bookcase for, um, yeah.

All members of the Cabinet (and in-laws) handed out awards. The winners were as follows:

[Scientific and Technical Awards portion]
Best Regional BLOW!: The Transit Strike, New York City

[Main show portion]
Celebrity BLOW! of the year: Lindsay Lohan
Real Life BLOW! of the year: Marguerite Perrin (a.k.a. "God Warrior")
Celebrity BLOW!n moment of the year: Tom Cruise goes insane on 'The Oprah Winfrey Show'
Real-life BLOW!n moment of the year: Anna Ayala (a.k.a. "That Lady Who Put A Finger In Her Wendy's Chili Bowl")
Cabinet BLOW!n moment of the year: [tie] Shelby taking a morning flight to Mexico after a very, er, LONG night of clubbing; Ouizer's numerous "incidents" with the authorities throughout the year
BLOW!n live performance of the year: Ashlee Simpson at the Orange Bowl
BLOW!n song of the year: "Jesus, Take the Wheel" (Carrie Underwood)
BLOW!n video of the year: "These Boots Were Made for Walkin'" (Jessica Simpson)
BLOW!n TV show of the year: Taradise (E!) (awarded to Tara Reid)
BLOW!n film of the year: Alone in the Dark (awarded to Tara Reid)
Cabinet BLOW! of the year: Field trip to Roxy nightclub, New York City, to see Madonna appear live onstage (Oct. 23, 2005)

And our very first winner for the Liza Minnelli Lifetime Achievement Award:

COURTNEY LOVE!!

Congratulations...and keep BLOW!in' to all of our deserving winners!

Kiss kiss,
The Cabinet

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Check this ish out! Satan, er, Vice President Dick Cheney, accidentally shot and injured a fellow hunter in Texas (where the fuck else) this past Saturday while out looking for quails. (I'm sorry, but gross. This is 21st century America and you are out shooting quails?? HEINOUS!)

It's not like Cheney needs more bad news surrounding him, and honestly, all I can do is laugh at his ineptitude. So I'll let the news speak for itself. But kids, are we all in agreeance that this needs to be remembered when balloting begins for the 2006 BLOW! Awards?

Kwan Gits Gone

Hey Ouizer, apparently you're not the only one whose hexes work!!

Time to BLOW!

Dear readers: Tonight marks the second annual BLOW! Awards (a.k.a. The BLOW!ies), and this year they're being held at M'Lynn and Drum's apartment downtown. The BLOW!s have come a long way since their original inception as a funny 'lil "idea" that we all floated around in endless e-mails, sort of like the Oscars when they were being handed out in five minutes at the Hollywood Roosevelt. (Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhh--can you even imagine?!) Last year Shelby was nice enough to hold the first BLOW! Awards at her place, where we pretty much BLEW! and ignored the catered spread of nacho cheese Doritos in favor of some better Scooby Snacks.

This year, there is an actual ballot and winners--kindly tabulated by Clairee's husband--will be announced during our program. Leading nominees include Tara Reid, Lindsay Lohan, and Tom Cruise. In addition, there are an unprecedented EIGHT women vying for the first-ever Liza Minnelli Lifetime Achievement Award. Hot tamale! Our program will also include viewings of performances from 'Liza With A Z,' Jennifer Holliday singing 'And I Am Telling You (I'm Not Going),' and Mariah Carey's classic 2001 'TRL' meltdown. Ouizer has mapped out a schedule for the BLOW!ies, which start at 10p.m. sharp this evening. In accordance with the awards' theme, Mother Nature has cooperated with a nice nor'easter. Thanks, lady!

A full report will follow after the festivities have concluded and the after-parties die down. Sources tell us that Eva Longoria is expected to arrive with both Tony Parker and Jamie Foxx on her arm, finally proving to the world that there's no such thing as too many men in her life.

Gayken Scandal

Hey kiddos... I'm not sure if you've been following this whole Clay Gayken scandal (incidentally, the guy who is making these claims is freakin' hot!). Anyway, I wanted to share with you a clip from the tattling he did on Howard Stern. Click here to open the mp3 file. The guy's totally full of shit, but eh, who cares... the whole thing is still freakin' hilarious. I want to find some pics of some fat, middle-aged midwestern Claymates in tears!

Bus Rage

Am I sick person because I find this story to be funny? I guess it's because I have to take the bus every morning to work, and several times there I've witnessed the same, old, beastly, 4-foot tall upper east side woman blowing out at the bus driver because they are supposedly running five minutes behind schedule. Needless to say, it's the last thing I want to hear all bleary-eyed on a weekday morning. And needless to say, the bus driver is equally unamused. So I guess I'm imagining that this story happened to her...

Piece it together, Kwan!

So now the story is that Michelle Kwan is thinking about dropping out of the competition altogether because her groin is blowing out again. Bitch, I don't CARE how you feel! After hijacking a spot at the Olympics, you go out there REGARDLESS. In the meantime, I'll make some popcorn, pull up a chair, and get ready to watch you bite it repeatedly on national television. (Source)

Some random Grammy pics with snarky comments

Ciara must have taped down her man business before stepping into that dress. Sorry, I don't buy it...

J. Lo Hewitt...nobody invited you and your outrageous bangs!

Michael Buble is fat and Rexy Hatcher desperately needs to fire her stylist...if in fact she has one.

Ouzier is convinced that plastic tube tied to Sly Stone's mic is a crack pipe. It would certainly explain some things here...

Good to see Sheryl has not only jumped on the divorcing bandwagon but also doing the 'rexy thing too. We can see your sternum, woman!

I love me some Milian! :-)

"Strangers" is back on!

Yay! The movie version of "Strangers With Candy", which lost WIP as its distributor and was floating in no-man's-land for awhile, has found a new distributor - ThinkFilm. For those of you who know me, I have a scary Amy Sedaris obsession. She is one sick, lovable puppy. Opening night, bitches! Who's with me? (Source)

she think she cute

yeahhh... on newstands now.




















congrats gurl.

Best Female R&B Vocal Performance
"We Belong Together"
Best R&B Song
"We Belong Together"
Best Contemporary R&B Album
"The Emancipation Of Mimi"

Thank God for Teri Hatcher

Without her to laugh at, who would I be?

Madonna vs Mariah

"Hey old lady, why are you being so BLEAK!?!"

"I'll smash your face in, you drunken slut!"

I can't tell you how much I enjoy a good old fashioned catfight, and this rivalry between Her Madgesty and Queen Lamb has been going on since 1995.

Apparently, Madonna dissed Mariah in a Spin Magazine interview (something to the extent of "if I were Mariah, I'd kill myself"). When questioned about it at a press conference, Mariah shot back, "I haven't paid attention to Madonna since 7th grade, back when she was popular". (video)

They had some well publicized "keep her away from me" tiffs backstage at 2005's Live 8 concert, and now there's more Grammy trouble. Seems this is supposed to be Mimi's night, so naturally she wanted to open the show. Next thing you know, Madonna agrees to perform (even though she's not even nominated for anything), but only if SHE can open the show. Now, I'm not complaining about Madge performing, Lord knows I luv'er, but this shit is Hot Tamale. I'm expecting Mimi to drop a snide comment or two during one of her fabulously drunken speeches.
Hopefully, outrageousness will ensue.

ps... as if this post weren't long enough, TRL made a huge deal last week about retiring both "Don't Forget About Us" and "Hung Up" this past Monday. Madonna took #1, while Mariah had to settle for #2. Awww... you'll get 'em next time Lamb.

Please Don't Say You're SORRY!!!

All I can say is that it continues to be Gay Christmas in the land of Madonna. Above are some sneak peeks of the new video "Sorry", and that last shot makes it look like it's almost certainly a big blow! (But in a good way, of course). Also, doesn't the bottom left pic look like the Roxy! I'm sure it's not, but nevertheless I will be more than happy to reenact the middle pictures on the back couches. The video should premiere next week on TRL. Thank GOD! There hasn't been much to keep me interested in videos since Beasty Carey in the pool...and that was our very first Shelby post ever!

I Hope You Leave Turin Without A Medal

There, I said it. You stole your spot on the US ladies' team (what is this "bye" business, woman?) and you are old! Give it up!

(Full disclosure: Shelby and I were both rooting for Tonya Harding in Feb. 1994--I had a picture of her on my binder in high school--and seriously discussed starting a Tonya fan club. Yes, we are that heinous.)

Blew it out!

Click on this posting title for an awesome story! It's about this girl that was going to miss her flight and called in to say there was a bomb on board to give her more time. This girl is an early frontrunner for a 2006 BLOW! Award. This story is so fabulously ghetto. She is taking AIR TRAN (blown airline) to try and intercept her boyfriend from getting on another flight to beat up her ex boyfriend. The best part is that she STILL missed the flight. You can't beat this blow with a stick...
I raise my glass to you, bitch.

SATAN LIVES! (pt. 2)

I eat souls like yours for breakfast!!!

I just thought I'd share with you guys this super-scary picture of Calista Flockhart from an L.A. screening of "Firewall" (btw...heinous!). Great - now I'm going to go to bed and have nightmares about her all night long. :-(

EAT SOMETHING! (pt. 1)

My boyfriend and I have this little game in which we scream "EAT SOMETHING!" at the television everytime an actress is looking particularly 'rexy. And yes, this does mean that every Sunday at 9:00 pm, like clockwork, Teri Hatcher is berated. But I'm sorry... as soon as wardrobe stops dressing her in jeans that showcase her thighs have the circumference of a thimble, I'll shut up.

Anyway, this week I would like to nominate Ellen Pompeo from my new favorite show, Grey's Anatomy (yeah, I'm on that bandwagon now too). Ellen - you're playing a doctor. My take is that most doctors are concerned about health. Set a good example and EAT SOMETHING! A banana...two raspberries...an asparagus spear...a cup of tea with a lemon slice...anything!

Does This Not Strike You As BLOWN!?

I just read about this on Billboard. Does this not strike you as a really bad idea?

Michael Jackson could sing some of the prayers written by the late Pope John Paul, the head of the music company coordinating the project said today (Feb. 6). Father Giuseppe Moscati of the Edizioni Musicali Terzo Millennio, which specializes in church music and organizes musical events at the Vatican, said his company had the rights to 24 of Pope John Paul's prayers and wanted to put together a group of international artists to set them to music. "We have been contacted by people close to Michael Jackson who have expressed interest and we are thinking about it," Moscati said.

I admit, I don't really want to hear or see Michael Jackson do anything these days, but the idea of him singing Catholic prayers strikes me as more than a little, uh, creepy. Just go back to dangling Blanket and Paris out the window of your hotel, Michael! That's far more interesting.

FPBITB's Long Lost Sister

Since that insensitive little beastess Jessie forgot to invite me to her Bat Mitzvah (or even to invite me to the mall to be a groupie in her video), I've found another party that would be more than happy to have me...The Exquisite Affair of Dr. Bridget Hilliard's 50th Birthday! Click here for the invite.

Dr. Hilliard works hard to bring her ministries to the world, so it is only fitting that she have one over the top birthday party for herself. Suggested gift ideas: monetary gifts, handbags from Gucci, Louis Vuitton or Chanel and gift certificates from Escada. Ladies, you must wear cream or gold (I guess you could wear both if you wanted to be a little extra).

Since my own birthday is little more than two months away, I've decided to assemble my own list:

Suggested Gift Ideas:
* Monetary Gifts (minimum $50)
* Messenger Bags from Prada, Gucci or Christian Dior
* Shoes from Donald J. Pliner, Prada or Dolce & Gabbana
* Gift Certificates to Barney's, Bergdorf's or Bloomingdale's (I will also take gift certificates to Applebee's, Red Lobster or the Olive Garden if you don't have a Barney's, Bergdorf's or Bloomingdale's near you)
* Cars from Jaguar, BMW or Aston Martin
* Vacations to Paris, Florence or Copenhagen

If you can't attend my big bash, that's more than fine. Just send the gifts, anyway. Wrapped. With big bows. Please. (See, I have more manners than Dr. Hilliard, she didn't even say please!)

I Have Mixed Feelings About You #1

This post is the first in a series--much like Clairee's brilliant Why Are You Famous?--in which we discuss a celebrity or, if we're so inspired, an average Joe Blow who inspires feelings of eh. I'll start with Amanda Peet. I just can't figure out how I feel about Ms. Peet, who somehow manages to straddle the line between hottie-bo-body in crappy comedic films (see: Stripped or The Whole Nine Yards), and yet, manages to weasel her way into high-profile Broadway shows and super-serious polemics like Syriana.

I'm confused, Amanda Peet. Are you smart and pretty? (Brooke Shields jump.) Or are you just lucky?

What am I supposed to say when people ask me what I think about you, Amanda Peet?

You didn't need that morphine anymore, did you Mom?

Check it out. Some nurse in Massachusetts caught a guy pouring morphine from the IV of his mother, who had just DIED, into his water bottle. Um, hi...that is seriously the sickest addict story I have ever heard in my life. Even James Frey couldn't have made that one up, although he's probably kicking himself for not thinking of it. I hope this guy either gets some serious help or puts himself out of his misery.

hate crime jumpoff

I just wanna post this scumbag's picture because someone needs to find him quick.
He's on the run for committing a hate crime in a Massachusetts gay bar. He shot and wounded 3 people, and attacked one of them with a hatchet! Heinous!
It's people like this that give small towns such a bad name.

A burfday present for Truvy

Truvy! It's your lucky day. It was announced today that Barbara Walters will interview Ponarella Carey herself on this year's annual Oscar special (which is actually airing on March 1). Yeehaw!!

If we took a holiday...

Guess what today is!

MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Yes, on this holy day, 29 years ago, the world was blessed with the likes of me.
Shakira shares this day with me (she's my exact same age), as well as the always fab, Farrah Fawcett.
Of course, I gotta give a shoutout to PA's own, Punxsutawney Phil. He saw his shadow this morning, meaning six more weeks of winter (not that winter has been much of a problem this year).
So enjoy this day with moi. Take off work, spend a lot of money on yourself, binge eat, do what floats your boat. It's a holiday!

Project Runway Wrap-Up

Hi, I'm grating.

Faaaaaaaaaaaabulous!

Is Project Runway's Nick getting on anyone else's nerves? At first I thought his drama queen antics made for good reality tv, but now I'm just exhausted with it. We get it... Santino annoys you and Zulema stole your 'rexy - now get out of my face.

In other Runway news, [SPOILER ALERT] I was a little annoyed that Daniel won the challenge yet again. Yeah, his dress was pretty and all ('cause he used FLOWERS!), but I thought Chloe's dress (see pic) was fantastic and was the only one that didn't look like someone wearing a house plant. :-(

***URGENT: VERY VERY IMPORTANT NEWS***

Listen! Up! Bitches! Super Bowl Sunday isn't just for the straights anymore: Bravo, in a wise counterprogramming decision, has slated Liza Minnelli's appearance on Inside the Actors Studio for this very Sunday, Feb. 5 (check local listings). Liza's promoting her role in the upcoming comedy film 'The OH in Ohio,' which stars Parker Posey as a woman who has never had an orgasm. And her costars--aside from LIZA, PEOPLE--are Mischa Barton, Danny DeVito and Paul Rudd. Sounds like a BLOW!

But on to Liza--having watched an early copy of the hour, I can tell you that THIS BITCH DELIVERS!! Our gurl walks out yelping and waving, and she's wearing a large black blouse and some smart black slacks. (Duh.) But that's hardly all, people. SHE HAS HER PURSE ON HER ARM, as if she's just walked in from the street!! (She probably did.) And the purse?

The purse??

You wanna know what's hanging off her purse? Friggin' keychains.

And you know what else she talks about? Uta Hagen. And you know what else they show? Her blowout with Mama on the stage of the Palladium.

Set the DVRs, yo.

UPDATE!

The reports about Jodie Sweetin (aka Stephanie Tanner) blowing out on crystal meth have been confirmed. Click on my title entry for the full story. Here are my reactions/thoughts:
1. Whoever wrote this story needs to know they committed a heinous mistake by misspelling Candace Cameron's name.
2. Jodie TOTES just started using meth for attention. I bet she only tried it once and just lied that she was "addicted." Show me the pics to prove it, Jodes. (a la Whitney: "show me the receipts")
3. Her comments about the hardships of life after child stardom are so predictable and boring. C'mon.
4. I am SO jealous she went to Promises. I swear, if I had enough money to support a major drug habit, I would do it JUST to go to Promises. You get the Malibu air, celebs, yoga, people making your meals and saying you need to sleep at least 8 hours... sounds like a the vacation I need.
5. I love that she checked herself into Promises. I could just see her pulling up with her little suitcase and crack pipe in hand saying "hey, look at me, I need help... and major attention!"
She is so lying. I luv'it.

Late to the party: See Spears, Britney; Will & Grace

Ohmahgod, y'all!!! Britty Pears has signed on to appear in one of the last-ever episodes of 'Will & Grace' as a conservative Christian who becomes close friends with Jack. Clearly, the producers of the show went to the well and realized that there were, oh, two famous people who had never done time on 'W&G.' (The other? Oh, I don't know. Probably Brenda Vaccaro.) As excited as I am to see zitty Britty get away from K. Fed and their little rugrat and get back to work, I can't help but wonder why this is happening now. If Britty really wanted to make a stir with this appearance, she'd have done it in mid-2001, when her career was red-hot and The Cabinet was busy showcasing her 'ography at the old Pop Rocks! party in the East Village (Big up to DJ Gerson and his crabs!)

Depressed, Sweetie, Depressed!

I am SO sad! I just went to Jessie's Bat Mitzvah website, and apparently the shindig already went down and the video is GONE!!! To add insult to injury, not ONE member of the Cabinet was invited to this event. We would have gladly given it adequate press coverage on our website and various affiliated publications, periodicals and other media outlets. Jessie's family, however, did issue this press statement:

"Jessie’s Bat Mitzvah and theme celebration was a huge success.The religious service was last weekend and she did a great job.
She also had a great time at her party and she even washed off her temporary tattoo at the conclusion.

She’s not a pop star anymore, although she was for the evening . . .she’s now just a 12 year old girl again whose family and friends love her as she is."

Well...I FOR ONE do not love her as she is...I want her to continue her career as beast mallrat pop star. It sounds like she turned back into a pumpkin after her festivities! Oh well, like I said before, countin' down the days to your Super Sweet Sixteen, gurl. And until then, here's a pretty picture of a gay-friendly Jewish star to console us in our time of need.